尼基疯了 Nicky's gone crazy!
这是这么久以来最好的一次圣诞节 This is the best Christmas ever.
妈妈 为什么尼基要破坏这个圣诞节？ Mommy, why is Nicky killing Christmas?
她这个岁数就爱干这种事儿 It's just something teenage girls do.
尼基 给我住手 马上 Nicky, you stop this behavior,right now!
在你认为 Before you decide
我是个疯子之前 that I'm the bad guy here.
先让我给你说一下我的童年 Let me explain to you about my childhood.
宝贝儿 听话点 做个小精灵 Be a little elf for us,honey. Be a baby elf.
拜托了 小公主 做个乖巧的小精灵 Please, princess,just be an elf.
-尼基 -哦 - Nicky. - Oh!
-是啊 戴上... -尼基 - Yeah... Oh! Get... - Nicky...
帽子戴上 Get on with it.
稍微等一下 It'll be just one moment.
即使我当时只有两岁 我的小脑袋里 Even then,my tiny baby brain knew
也知道我必须做点什么 I had to do something.
不当精灵 No elf.
她说话了 这是她说的第一句话 Her first words. She said her first words!
而且还是圣诞主题 Christmas words.
不当精灵 No elf.
对不起 孩子 我帮不了你 Sorry, kid, I can't help you.
你父母要你这么做你就得做 You're stuck with the family you're born into.
你爸爸为你准备了 Your daddy has a very special
一个特别的圣诞惊喜 尼基 Christmas surprise for you, Nicky.
是只企鹅吗？ A penguin?
不 尼基 No, Nicky.
这可是活生生的驯鹿 It is a real live reindeer!
不 Oh, no.
她为什么穿着北极熊的衣服? Why is she wearing her polar bear costume?
北极熊是驯鹿的天敌 Polar bears are the natural enemies of reindeer.
大家都知道 Everyone knows that.
-没人知道这个 -这对他来说可是常识 - No one knows that. - It's common knowledge for him.
-你不乖 闪电 -快拦住那条鹿 - Bad, Blitzen! - Stop that reindeer!
甚至我的初恋也被我父亲的强迫症毁掉了 Even my first romance was ruined by my dad's OCD.
对于圣诞节的强迫症 Obsessive Christmas disorder.
谢谢你带我去看电影 Thanks for taking me to the movie.
这些圣诞礼物是怎么回事? What's with all this Christmas stuff?
现在才九月 It's only September.
哦 这些东西？ Oh, this stuff?
我没有注意到 I didn't really notice.
你直接无视就好 You just ignore it.
你真漂亮 You're so pretty.
要亲一个吗？ Wanna kiss?
好啊 Okay.
我还没吻过男孩子呢 Never kissed a boy before.
哇 Whoa!
-呵呵 -小心 他的手 呃 - Ho, ho, ho! - Oh, watch out, his hands, uh...
-呵呵 -呃 我是说 - Ho, ho, ho! - Um, I mean,
我们可以继续 you can still kiss me.
我可不想圣诞老人面前来 Not in front of Santa.
-哦 呵 呵 -这东西怎么关啊 - Ho, ho, ho! - How do you turn this thing off?
我还是走了 I gotta go.
你有宵禁吗？ Oh, curfew?
-没有 -好吧 给我发短信哦 - No. - Oh, well, uh, text me!
这太好玩了 This was fun!
大家圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas, everybody.
是的 别人家那些有着悲惨童年的孩子 Yes, some kids with difficult childhoods
长大之后会去嗑药或者犯罪什么的 turn to drugs and crime.
但是 我在传统的乐器中 Instead, I found my refuge
找到了慰藉 in the traditional instrument of rebellion.
大号 The tuba.
你知道 这谱子是小号的 You know you're playing the trumpet part,
不是大号的吧？ not the tenor tuba part, right?
嗯 我玩音乐就是爱特立独行 Hm. I'm a musical maverick.
吹大号会让你的 Playing the tuba gives you those
上肢变得很健硕的 尼基 great looking upper arms, Nicky.
还能让你脸颊轮廓分明 And well-defined cheeks,
但吹笛子意味着我可以像这样歪着头 but, uh, playing flute means I get to tilt my head like this,
那个谁 乔什 就是那个惹火的键盘手 which, uh, Josh,that hot keyboard player,
觉得我这样很迷人 finds very attractive.
尤其是我这样的时候 Especially, when I go like this.
或者他可能会觉得你发羊癫疯了 Or he thinks you're having a seizure.
表演艺术营是最棒的了 你说呢？ Performing arts camp is the best, right?
-嗯 -好了 - Hmm. - All right,
我已经练了五分钟了 I've put in my five minutes of practice for the day,
所以在大提琴女孩把所有男生都勾引走之前 so let's go before the cello girls
-我们先撤吧 -啊 - get all the guys. - Ugh!
天啊 那些拉大提琴的女孩最差劲了 God, those cello girls are the worst.
听着 我晚点再和你会合 Look, I'm gonna have to catch up with you.
我得把这段练好 I gotta get this passage down.
双舌音太难吹了 The double tonguing is super tricky.
嗯 你知道吗？ Mm. You know what?
我想要"双舌"乔什 I'd like to double tongue Josh.
我的天 God.
我是不是很活学活用？ That was a good one, right?
你应该多给我点这种机会 You should give me more setups like that.
你可以练你的习 当个乖乖女 Look, you can do this whole focused-on-your-work thing
但是 我们在这共用一个衣柜 all you want, but, uh,we are sharing a closet here,
我看到了你带来的一些胸罩 and I've seen some of the bras you brought.
有些是超级蕾丝边的 And some of them are super lacy.
你春心荡漾了吗？ What's up with that?
好吧 你不是想到什么歪事儿上去了吧？ Well, surely you're not suggesting something scandalous?
傻瓜 Silly.
大夏天的宅在室内实在是太可悲了 Staying inside on a summer day is so sad.
你行 Oi!
随便你 Suit yourself.
好的 Okay.
谁在吹喇叭？ Who was playing the trumpet song?
谢谢你今天再次陪我去上课 Thank for walking me to class again.
陪你？我以为你在陪我 Walking you? I thought you were walking me.
这儿的邻居不太友好 This is a pretty tough neighborhood.
我会尽力保护你的 I'll do my best to protect you.
我需要一个强悍的 I need a tough
圣克拉里塔女孩来保护我的安全 Santa Clarita girl who would keep me safe.
圣克拉里塔？你怎么知道的？ Santa Clarita? How'd you know that?
小伙子挺聪明啊 Someone's a clever boy.
其实你的大号箱子上写着的 Actually, it was written on your tuba case.
哦 Oh!
但我六岁的时候就聪明得学会了识字 But I was clever enough to learn to read when I was six,
因为我知道有这么一天我会用上 'cause I knew this day would come.
你想去约会吗 尼基？ You wanna go on a date some time, Nicky?
好吧 你要带我去哪里？ Well, where would you take me?
你要知道我挺追求浪漫的 You know, I'm, uh, kind of a fancy girl.
既然这里只有一间食堂 Well, since there's only a mess hall,
我觉得我们可以去那买个能量棒吃吃 你觉得呢？ I was thinking we could go down there for a PowerBar?
再来个橙汁？ OG juice?
挺浪漫的 Fancy enough.
好了 同学们 Okay, class,for this next improv
下一个即兴表演有请两个志愿者 let me have two volunteers.
-哦 哦 -好的 斯蒂芬妮还有 - Oh, oh. - Okay, Stephanie and...
乔什 Josh.
-乔什 -我 选我 - Oh, Josh. - Me. Pick me.
还有乔什 And Josh.
挺机灵啊 Slick move.
-我觉得每位优秀的僚机都很棒 -你好 - I respect a good wingwoman. - Hi.
不论是为朋友挺身而出的还是那些超级英雄的搭档 That goes for both friends and superheroes.
现在我们需要给这两个人 Now we need a relationship
-定个关系 -已婚关系 - for these two. - Married.
-还得设定个地方 -荒岛 - And a location. - Desert island.
那就开始吧 And begin.
亲爱的 真不敢相信我们结婚十周年 Oh, honey, I can't believe were stuck on a desert island
会被困在荒岛上 for our tenth wedding anniversary.
今天不是我们结婚纪念日 It's not our anniversary.
停 停 停 Oh. Stop, stop, stop.
人们 即兴表演的第一个规则是 就是肯定 而且 People, the first rule of improv is, yes, and.
不管什么时候 只要你的搭档说了 Any time a scene partner says something
你就得同意这事然后继续补充上 you must agree and add on to it.
而且 这是每一个舞台上最重要的规矩 Yes, and, is the most important rule in the theater.
生活也是如此 And in life.
-再来一次 -好的 - Try it again. - Okay.
好吧 All right.
亲爱的 救我 Honey, help me!
我 我呛水了 我不能呼吸了 I'm... I'm downing,I can't breathe.
得人工呼吸 快救救我 I need mouth to mouth resuscitation. Save me, please.
-她快淹死了 -不 我要死了 - She's drowning. - No, I'm gonna die.
你要吻我 快 嘴对嘴 You gotta kiss me and give me mouth to mouth.
好吧 你只要... Yeah, you just need to...
我们自己也来即兴表演吧 Let's start our own improv.
好吧 还有呢 Yes, and.
真不敢相信我们要回家了 Can't believe we gotta go home.
夏天过得真快 Summer really flies by,
尤其是当我和一个漂亮女孩 especially when you're hanging with girl who's beautiful,
一起玩号的时候 and plays the tuba.
我是稀有组合 I am a rare combination.
是啊 你是 Yes, you are.
我不喜欢你住在加州 I hate that you live in California.
我不喜欢你住在康涅狄格州 I hate that you live in Connecticut.
也许我能说服我爸 搬到加利去 Maybe I can convince my dad we should move to Cali.
好吧 Okay.
没有人叫加州加利 但是你这么做挺可爱的 No one calls it Cali,but it's cute when you do it.
我喜欢这个计划 You know, I like this plan.
我一下飞机就开始给你爸妈 I'll start making brownies for your mom and dad
做巧克力蛋糕 as soon as I land.
嗯 我妈妈实际上 Well, my mom's actually...
她不在 She's not around, you know.
-哦 我 -哦 不 没事 - Oh, I... - Oh, no. It's totally fine.
她不是死了或其他什么的 Not like she died or anything.
真的 没事 Really, it's no big deal.
你的父母离婚了吗？ Are your parents divorced?
是啊 Yeah.
有一天 我妈妈就那么直接离家出走了 My mom sorta left one day.
-哇 -没错 - Wow. - Yeah.
这真的让我爸爸很难过 It really hit my dad hard.
我很抱歉 I'm sorry.
没关系 It's okay.
有你在事情似乎没那么糟了 Things don't seem so bad when you're around.
你们很可爱 但我们会错过飞机的 You guys are criminally adorable but we're gonna miss our flight.
斯蒂芬妮 你站那多久了？ Stephanie, how long have you been standing there?
不用觉得尴尬 你们的爱给了我生命 No need to feel embarrassed,your love gives me life.
我希望这不仅仅是一次短暂的夏日恋情 I hope this isn't just a summer fling,
因为我真的很想去看你 because I really wanna come visit you.
当然不是 我等着你 It isn't. And you better.
上帝啊 妈妈？ Jesus. Mom?
-爸爸 我回来了 -我的孩子 - Dad, I'm home. - My baby!
哦 Oh!
我也很想你 爸爸 Mm. Missed you too, Dad.
噢 在临近圣诞节与我的女儿分离 Oh, it is so difficult being away from my daughter
真是太难受了 during the pre-Christmas season.
-现在才八月 -那就是临近 - It's August. - That's pre.
来吧 大家 尼基回家了 Come on. Everybody, Nicky's home!
你一定很激动 You must be so excited.
别撞到显示器上 我花了很大力气才搞好的 Don't hit the displays,I worked really hard on those.
家人 家人 家人们 Fam, fam, family.
我们圣诞节前的会议时间到了 Time for our pre-Christmas meeting.
-诺埃尔？ -爸爸 我在这 - Noelle? - Daddy, I'm here.
好吧 甜心 干得好 Of course you are, sugar plum.Good job.
哦 哦 等一下 尼基 Ho, ho, hold a minute there, Nicky.
该开会了 你哪儿也别去 It's meeting time,you're not going anywhere.
嘿 爸爸 我在这 Hey, Dad. I am present,
我准备好做任何必要的事情了 and ready to do whatever is necessary
来确保我们有一个最棒的圣诞节 to ensure the best Christmas ever.
不愧是我的好儿子 Well, that's my boy.
你确定他是你的儿子吗？ Are you sure it's your boy?
妈妈 Mom!
真的 我们真的 我们真的要这么做吗？ Really, we're going to...We're gonna do this?
你这个该死的嬉皮士 快把头发剪了 And cut your hair,you damn hippie.
呃 来真的吗？ Okay. Really?
她脑子有毛病 She's not in her right mind.
不管怎样 Anyways,
你们都知道 我们家在这一块 as you all know, our family is known in this neighborhood
以圣诞精神 圣诞节的欢乐气氛 for its Christmas spirit,Christmas cheer,
还有比全美国任何家庭拥有更多的 and having more boughs of holly
冬青树而出名 than any other house in the state.
我们也因为 And we are also known
拥有圣诞节世界上最有价值的 for having the most valuable collectible item
收藏品而闻名 in all of Christmas land.
当然 我说的是 I speak of course,
史上最伟大的电影 of the very same hat worn by Santa
《三十四街的奇迹》 in the greatest film of all time,
中圣诞老人戴的帽子 Miracle on 34th Street.
不是翻拍版 Not the remake,but the original,
而是1947年的原版 way back in 1947.
-真酷啊 -呃 好吧 - Chills. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
我向你母亲求婚那天 I actually wore that hat
就是戴的那顶帽子 the day I proposed to your mother.
哪个女孩能拒绝呢？ What girl could say no to that?
你们所有小家伙出生那天我也戴着它 I was also wearing it on the day when each of you kids were born.
怀孕的时候也戴着 And conceived.
我觉得你们这些孩子都很棒 And I think you kids turned out pretty darn good.
所以可以说这是一顶幸运之帽 Which makes that one lucky hat. Hmm.
每年 And every year,
我都觉得我们必须做称职的持帽人 I feel like we have to earn the right to own this hat.
哦 亲爱的 Oh, honey.
眼泪别出来 Stay inside, tears.
别出来 Stay inside.
好了 谁想吃松饼？ Okay, who wants muffins?
我还是好喜欢你
我也还是好喜欢你
想念大号
我也想吹小号的男孩
这里的落叶和你的头发颜色一样
来加州吧 这里的树叶永远不会凋零
想你
嗨 Hello.
嘿 Hey!
我有一个非常重要的问题要问你 I have a super important question for you.
你们会喜欢 呃 超隆重庆祝圣诞节吗？ Do you guys do like, uh,you know, a big Christmas?
什么？不 What? No.
我们很低调的 很随意的 It's totally low-key.Very chill.
可以说是低调中的低调 In fact, it's a low-key version of chill.
你为啥问这个 你听说了什么吗？ Why, what have you heard?
我在想 I was thinking,
也许我和我爸爸可以到加州去看你 maybe me and my dad could come out to Cali to see you.
真的吗？ Really?
这 That's...
这太好了 That's amazing.
我太激动了 I'm so excited,
我要把你把加州叫成加利这件事儿放一边先了 I'm gonna let the fact that you called it "Cali" slide.
我不是很喜欢圣诞节 I didn't really get into it,
嗯...我妈妈当年离开我们的时候 but, um, when my mom left us,she actually left
那天正好就是圣诞节 on Christmas day.
离开这对我爸爸来说应该是件好事 It'd be good for my dad to get outta here.
这儿到处都是白雪 Being around the snow,
圣诞装饰 还有家家户户的圣诞树 the decorations,the trees in this town...
他不太喜欢看见这些 it's not good for him.
那个圣诞节早晨醒来 圣诞袜里 I mean, that Christmas morning she left all those stockings
什么都没有 just empty.
大圣诞树下面没有一件礼物 You know, big Christmas tree,no presents underneath.
我爸看到的每一件装饰品都让他心如刀割 I think every ornament he sees is like a stab to the heart.
刀割 Stab.
但最重要的是 我能见到你 The main thing is,I get to see you.
你想我了吗？ Did you miss me?
-呃 大部分时间是想你的号 -呃 - Uh, mostly the tuba. - Mm.
但也挺想你的 But I guess I missed you too.
这趟旅行会很棒的 This is gonna be great.
我真的很期待低调的圣诞节 I'm really looking forward to a low-key Christmas.
好了 大家都准备好了吗？ Okay, okay. Everyone set?
圣诞家庭照 三 二 一 Christmas family photo,in three, two, one.
-谢谢 -谢谢 - Thanks. - Thanks.
完蛋了 This is a disaster.
好吧 无酵烫可以让你忘却烦恼 Well, matzoh ball soup fixes everything.
怎么样？好点了吗？ See? Isn't that better?
没有 Nope.
坦纳还是会飞2000公里到这 Tanner's still flying 2,000 miles
就为了逃避圣诞节 to get away from Christmas.
然而呢 等待他和他的爸爸的是 And instead, he and his dad are gonna wind up
我们家的圣诞龙卷风 in the eye of the Christmas tornado.
我的家就是假日恐惧的发源地 My house is ground zero for holiday horrors.
这真是一场圣诞风暴 It's a Christmas crap storm.
我不能让这个可怜的家伙过一个圣诞节版的 I can't put the poor guy through a Christmas version
发条橙 of A Clockwork Orange
不行 Don't...
也许我可以让我爸爸今年低调一点 Maybe I can ask my dad to tone it down this year,
就这一次 just this one time.
也许能成 我不知道 Maybe, I dunno.
嘿 尼基 Hey, Nicky.
我在商场里看到了你爸爸排队 I thought I saw your dad on the line at the mall
要坐在圣诞老人膝上 to sit in Santa's lap.
这是过节才这样还是生活方式变了？ Is that a holiday thing or a lifestyle change?
至少我还知道我父亲是谁 丹尼 At least I know who my father is, Danny.
哦 Ooh.
我很抱歉 I'm sorry.
哦 看看我 这压力都快让我疯了 Oh, look at me, the stress of this is turning me evil.
我希望我能像你一样是犹太人 I wish I could just be Jewish
这样我就不用管这些了 like you, and then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this.
是啊 因为犹太人就是过着无忧无虑的生活 Yes, because to be Jewish is to live a problem-free life.
从古到今 I mean, historically,
犹太人什么时候有过麻烦呢 嗯？ when have the Jews ever had any troubles?
也许我可以 Maybe I could ask Tanner to come over
春假再请坦纳过来 spring break instead.
我认为这样更安全 I think that's much safer.
但是到那时候他可能都不喜欢我了 But his love might die by then.
与其让他在看见你的家人的时候当场去世 Better to chance the slow death of his love,
还不如让他的爱慢慢死去 than he meets your family and it just dies instantly.
你说得对 You're right.
-我得告诉他不要来了 -嗯 - I have to tell him not to come. - Mm-hmm.
噢 Ow!
说我没爸爸 现在又欺负我 No father, now this.
我能行 I can do it.
那你就说出来啊 Let me hear you say it
-我能行的 -好的 - I can do it. - Okay.
那让我听听 Then let me hear you say it.
坦纳 对不起 Tanner, I'm sorry.
但我不能在圣诞节见你 But I can't see you at Christmas.
很好 坚强点 Good. Now just stay strong.
要提醒他春假一眨眼就到了 Let him know spring break will be here before he knows it,
然后 情侣重逢 音乐响起 消失在黑暗中 哈 and then, bam! Lovers reunite,music swells, fade to black. Ha!
好吧 Okay.
嘿 Hey!
嘿 呃 Hey! Uh, so...
我在想你说你要过来的事 Uh, I was thinking about what you said about coming,
-而且 -我知道 - And... - I know,
我也一直在想这个事 我太兴奋了 I can't stop thinking about it either, I'm so excited.
我爸爸也很期待 You know, my dad is looking forward to it too.
-好吧 -等一下 - Well... - Hold on.
怎么了 Something's wrong.
你不想我来吗？ You don't want me to come?
呃 Um...
如果你并没有那么喜欢我的话 No, if you don't feel the same way I do,
我不想给你压力的 I don't wanna pressure you.
不 不 不是这样的 No, no. No, it's not about that.
我 我没觉得有压力 I... I don't feel pressure at all.
所以 So...
经过这几个月 We both still really like each other
我们还是互相喜欢 对吧？ after all these months, huh?
我觉得我们俩应该算很认真了吧 I guess this is pretty serious.
说实话 To be honest,
我只是在利用你 因为我的死亡金属乐队 I'm just using you because I need a tuba player
需要一个吹大号的 for my death metal band.
你大号吹得很好 You shred a mean tuba.
我猜你对所有的女孩都说这些话 You probably say that tuba stuff to all the girls.
我有东西给你 I got you something.
一个惊喜 It's a surprise.
你想知道是什么吗？ You wanna know what it is?
-我 -这是个礼物 - I... - It's a present
我给你做的 I had made for you.
大号金低音谱 Gold bass clef symbol.
因为你知道 你在下面的活很好 Because you know,you rock the bottom.
我是说 音乐里的下面 低音的意思哦 I mean, bottom musically.Musically speaking.
-嗯 -这是低音符 - Hmm. - It's a bass clef
还有一个倒过来的高音符 构成了一颗心 and a treble clef upside down,and it makes a heart.
你确定我们能来吗？ You sure it's okay if we come out there?
你给她做了一颗心诶 Uh, you made her a musical heart,
是的 是的 你必须来 yes, yes, of course you should come. Duh.
好吧 你怎么想的 尼基？ Okay. What about you, Nicky?
哦 Oh.
我很想在圣诞节见到你 I would love to see you at Christmas.
最后 And in conclusion,
加上额外的发电机 with the addition of the extra power generator
我们又多了500安电 providing us with 500 more amps.
我们显示器的输出功率 The power output of our display comes to a total,
我打算叫我爸今年圣诞节低调一点点
总计为一百万瓦 one million watts.
哇 Whoa!
哦 Oh!
祝你好运 等这个傻逼会议结束我就和他们说
也许今年我们的显示器 This may be the year that our display
都可以从太空里看到 will be seen from space.
爸爸 你真特喵的厉害 You got jingle balls, Dad.
鲁迪 Rudy!
诺埃尔 你笑什么？ Noelle, why are you laughing?
我也不知道 I don't know.
最棒的是 And the best part of all
这个 is, this.
哈？啊 看到了吗？ Ha? Ah! See?
你可以精确地控制它的运动 You control exactly how it moves.
现在 呃 Now, uh...
尼基 很明显 Nicky, obviously,you're the only one
你是这个家里 in the family with the dance moves
唯一会跳圣诞老人之舞的人 who could do Santa's big number at the end of the tour.
所以到时候你得整晚负责这个玩意儿 So you're gonna have to operate it all night.
我能跟你和妈妈谈谈吗? Can I talk to you and mom for a smidge?
单独谈 Privately.
-哦 -很好 - Oh. - Good.
因为我们也想和你谈谈 Because we actually wanted to talk to you too.
嗯 Hmm.
我们需要一点单独的时间 诺埃尔 We're gonna need the room a minute, Noelle.
你也给我离开 You too.
你真想这样吗？ So that's how it's gonna be?
再见 Bye.
-我想说的是 -谢谢 - What I wanted to say was... - Thank you.
-什么？ -谢谢 - What? - Thank you.
谢谢？ Thank you?
谢谢你为每一次盛大圣诞节作出的贡献 For all the great Christmases.
不客气 You're welcome.
但我们确实需要认可你的功劳 But we really wanna keep this on you.
我们想让你知道 虽然圣诞节很有趣 We want you to know that as much fun as Christmas is,
但我们也知道这是一项艰巨的工作 we also know it's a lot of work.
-一项有趣的工作 -而且有很多不要求 - A lot of fun work. - A lot of work
你帮忙的活动 你都很热情地帮忙搞定了 that you didn't sign up for,but you do it anyway.
我们只是想说声谢谢 And we just wanted to say thank you so much
你是个了不起的女儿 for being an amazing daughter.
让我们的家人能够成为我们想要的样子 And allowing our family to be who we are.
尤其是今年 Especially, this year.
好吧 我在想 听着 Yeah, about that. Look, I was thinking...
等等 为什么是今年？ Wait. Why this year?
-嗯 因为诺埃尔 -她七岁了 - Uh, because of Noelle. - She's seven.
7岁是过圣诞节的最佳年龄 Seven is the perfect age to experience Christmas.
对这个年纪的小孩来说 一切都是充满魔力的 You're young enough to see the magic.
不过某人永远都长不大哦 Uh, some of us never grow out of it.
但年龄足够大 你又可以理解更深层次的含义 But old enough to understand the deeper meaning.
对一个七岁的孩子来说 Christmas as a seven-year-old
圣诞节是一生中难得的经历 is a once in a lifetime experience.
你和鲁迪有你们的七岁 You and Rudy had yours.
-今年属于诺埃尔 -嗯 - This year belongs to Noelle. - Hmm.
有什么研究支持这一点吗? Is there research to back that up?
哦 Oh.
亲爱的 你想跟我们说什么呢？ So what did you want to talk to us about, sweetie?
就 我真爱我们的圣诞节 Just about how much I love our Christmases.
啊 Aww!
-过来 -嘿 过来 - Get in here. - Hey, come over.
斯蒂芬妮 一定还有别的办法 Steph, there's gotta be another way.
就算没这个夸张的灯光展示 Noelle can still have a magical Christmas
诺埃尔还是可以过一个魔幻的圣诞节 without this massive lighting display.
你为什么不直接告诉他们? And why didn't you tell them that?
呃 你应该看看他们脸上的表情 Uh, you should've seen the looks on their faces.
你被一棵圣诞树 You're stuck between a Christmas tree
搞得进退两难了 and a hard place.
如果你爸爸做了 If your dad makes
一个比以前更大的灯光显示器 a bigger lighting display than before.
坦纳和他爸爸会在飞机着陆前就看到的 Tanner and his dad will see it before the plane even lands.
不 我知道 这太危险了 No, I know. It's a hazard.
对了 That's it!
你真是个天才 You're a genius.
啊 Aw!
我是个天才 I'm a genius.
不 不 不 No, no, no!
非常感谢你答应见我 议员先生 Thank you so much,for meeting with me, Councilman.
必须阻止这个家庭 This family must be stopped.
这是三年前发生的车祸 This is the car crash that happened three years ago
当时一名驾车者正在房子前面观看这家人的圣诞表演 because motorist were watching the family's Christmas display
而不是在看路 in the front of the house,instead of the road.
还有 由于这个家庭的显示器使电网超负荷 And then,12,000 homes lost power
导致12000户家庭停电 because this family's display overloaded the grid.
好吧 这照片不怎么样 Well, that's not a very good picture
因为根本都没有了电力 because all the lights were out.
这些能源岂能就这么浪费呢？ What about all this wasted energy?
我们的地球还能 What kind of a planet are we leaving
挺到数年以后的圣诞节吗？ for Christmases in the future?
所以 赫克特议员 作为一名 So, Councilman Hecht,as a concerned citizen
与这个家庭毫无关系的关心此事的公民 who is in no way connected to this family,
我敦促你命令警察执行现有法律勒令整改 I urge you to order the police to enforce these existing laws
这些法律禁止像这样大规模的圣诞节活动 that prohibit massive Christmas displays like this.
但民意调查显示 人们喜欢圣诞节 But polls show people like Christmas.
有一条含糊但确实有效的法律 There's an obscure but valid law
禁止在一栋房子里装这么多的灯 against this many lights at one house.
但是 人们也不喜欢被含糊的法律限制 But also, people don't like it when obscure laws are enforced.
可是这么做的是对的 But it's the right thing to do.
民意调查显示 Polls show that the right thing to do
正确的做法并不受欢迎 is not the popular thing to do.
你为什么这么关心民意调查？ Why do you care so much about polls?
因为马上就要选举了 There's an election coming up.
我给你一百美元 I'll give you a hundred bucks...
为了你的竞选 for your campaign.
-哦 不 -怎么了？ - Oh, no. - Why?
怎么了 爸爸？ Is everything okay, Dad?
不 这是一项法院命令 No. This is a court order prohibiting us
禁止我们进行正常的圣诞节表演 from doing our normal Christmas display.
它限制了我们的用电量 It... It limits our wattage,
-还有树的高度 -这是为什么？ - and the height of our tree. - But why?
显然 有一条什么含糊的城市条例 Apparently, there some obscure city ordinance about,
针对"过于炫富的圣诞表演" "ostentatious Christmas displays."
我讨厌含糊的法律被执行 I hate it when obscure laws are enforced.
而且偏偏就在我们即将度过 And right when we're about
诺埃尔最特别的圣诞节之际 to have Noelle's most special Christmas ever.
什么样的禽兽会对我们这样做？ What kind of monster would do this to us?
哦 我的 Oh, my...
这世界怎么了？ What kinda world are we living in?
你知道吗 也许我们该少用些充气物 You know what,maybe we'll cut down on the inflatables.
嘿 爸爸 Hey, Dad!
看 Look.
-哦 -这是你的帽子 - Oh! - It's your hat.
哦 谢谢你 亲爱的 Oh, thank you, sweetie.
哦 现在就是我最需要神奇圣诞老人帽 Oh, if ever I needed a magical Santa hat
的时刻了 now would be the time.
嘿 老兄 你想给我些提示吗？ Hey, buddy,what have you got for me?
克里斯 一切都会好起来的 Chris, it's gonna be okay.
嘘 我在跟帽子说话 Shh! I'm talking to the hat.
告诉我该怎么做 Tell me what to do.
我希望这不会遗传 I hope this isn't hereditary.
克里斯 你还好吧？ Chris, are you all right?
我好的不能再好了 Actually, I'm better than all right.
克里斯 你要干嘛？ Chris, what are you doing?
你还记得我大学做的那个东西吗? Uh, you remember that thing I built in college?
-什么东西？ -圣诞节的东西 - What thing? - The Christmas thing.
你做过那么多圣诞节东西 You've built a million Christmas things.
哦 这个啊 Oh, that Christmas thing.
你能相信我差点就把它扔了吗？ Can you believe I almost threw this away?
好的 Okay.
瞧 Behold.
圣诞洞 The Christmas cave.
-酷 爸爸 -嗯 - Cool, Dad! - Mm-hmm.
漂亮 Pretty.
圣诞洞？ Christmas cave?
-这算什么 -不 不算什么 - That's not a thing. - Yet. Not a thing yet.
你以为它自己会变身成什么东西吗 How do you think a thing becomes a thing.
如果没有人去创造 If nobody ever did a thing that wasn't a thing
那这世上就没有任何东西会存在了 there would be no things.
所以我们要在后院挖个洞？ So we're gonna dig a hole in the backyard?
不 不 尼基 No. No, Nicky.
我们要造个这个 We are going to build this.
一个巨大的户外冰洞 A huge outdoor ice cave.
我们要把我们的家庭圣诞秀放在里面 And we're gonna put our family Christmas display inside
全息图的圣诞老人在最后 with the hologram Santa at the end.
从外面绝对看不出它耗了多少瓦数 Absolutely zero wattage will be seen from the outside,
但是当人们进入洞穴的话 but when people enter the cave...
哦 他们会被我们的家庭的 Oh, they will get the full effect
圣诞精神的所震撼的 of our family's Christmas spirit.
呃 洞穴里会有巨魔吗？ Uh, is there gonna be trolls in the cave?
不 诺埃尔 没有巨魔 No, Noelle. No trolls.
可是巨魔生活在洞穴里啊 But trolls live in caves.
巨魔住在桥下 Trolls live under bridges.
你们真的需要 You guys really need to get more involved
让她接受更多的教育 with her education.
我被牙科学校开除了 I was kicked out of dental school.
这个城市条例对我们来说 This city ordinance is the best thing
反而是最好的事情了 that ever happened to us.
我们明天开始动工 We start construction tomorrow.
好的 我先让你在西翼工作 好吗？ Okay, I'm gonna have you work on the west wing first, okay?
因为你要用锤子和钉子 'Cause you're working with hammers and nails.
我要吃完这个汤 然后去屎 I'm going to eat this soup and then I'm going to die.
挺好的待办事项列表 That's quite the to-do list.
等坦纳和他的父亲看到圣诞洞穴之后 When Tanner and his dad see the Christmas cave,
他的父亲会患上创伤后应激障碍 his dad will get PTSD,
坦纳将重温他母亲在圣诞节离开时的恐惧 Tanner will relive the horror of his mom leaving at Christmas,
然后我要杀了我的家人 and then I will murder my family.
所以我应该先死来避免这一切 So I should die first to avoid all that.
我觉得你的逻辑无懈可击 I can't argue with that logic.
为什么我不能有一个正常的家？ Why can't I just have a normal family?
哦 Oh!
-爸爸？ -怎么 儿子 - Dad? - Yes, my son.
等我长大了 When I grow up will I be responsible
我会像你一样负责圣诞节吗? for Christmas, like you?
好吧 如果你想的话 Well, if that's what you want.
你还得足够幸运能找到一位像你母亲一样 And if you're lucky enough to find a young lady
热爱圣诞节的年轻女士 that loves Christmas like your mother.
那你应该给我多传授点经验 Well, then I should know some stuff.
好吧 Well, all right.
什么都可以问我 Ask me anything.
嗯 你似乎在圣诞节上花了很多时间 Hm, you seem to spend a lot of time on Christmas.
哦 没错 Oh, you bet I do.
那你的工作怎么办? But what about your job?
好吧我确实遇到了这个问题 Well, that has come up.
但我告诉他们这个季节是我的首要任务 But I tell them the season is a priority to me.
他们尊重这一点 And they respect that.
-酷 -哦 当然 - Cool! - Oh, sure,
斯图升职了 Stu gets a promotion even though
尽管我在公司工作的时间比他长 I've been with the company longer than him.
-我明白了 -而且 - I got it... - And Laura leapfrogged
劳拉也超越了我 right over me.
-好的 -我甚至不确定 - Okay. - I'm not even sure
那里有没有人知道我的名字 anyone there knows my name.
但这并不重要 因为圣诞节才是首要的 But that's not important because Christmas comes first.
确切地说 我们每年在圣诞节花了多少钱? And exactly how much do we spend on Christmas a year?
呃 恩 Well, uh...
我不 我觉得你不用知道准确的... I don't... I don't think you need to know the exact...
因为这些圣诞礼物都很贵 'Cause all this Christmas stuff seems pretty expensive.
好吧 你知道吗？ Okay, you know what,I don't think
我真的不想再谈这个了 I really wanna talk about this anymore.
你在为我们存钱上大学吗？ Are you saving money for college?
你可有三个孩子 You've got three kids.
如果你一直问我问题 And if you keep asking me questions
就只有两个孩子了 it's going to be two kids.
吓着你了吧 I gotcha!
看看你的表情 Yeah, look at your face!
你就直接 啊 You were like, "Ah!"
-这招不错 爸爸 -哦 我知道 - Good one, Dad. - Oh, I know.
哦 嘿 Oh, hey.
你为什么把鹿角放在蝙蝠上? Why are you putting antlers on a bat?
呃 我们在做圣诞洞 不是吗？ Uh. Well, we're making a Christmas cave, right?
对 Right.
什么动物住在洞里？ And what animals live in a cave?
熊 Bears.
没错 还有呢？ Yes. And?
其他的熊 Other bears.
不 不是 不是熊 No. Not... not bears.
-蝙蝠 -对了 - Bats! - Yes.
天啊 鲁迪 都上五年级了 Come on, Rudy. You're in the fifth grade.
哪种动物圣诞节关系最紧密？ And which animal is most associated with Christmas?
-驯鹿 -没错 - Reindeer. - Yeah!
呃 还有个问题 Uh, side question.
你管不止一只驯鹿叫什么? What do you call more than one reindeer.
驯鹿 复数和单数是一样的 Reindeer. The plural is the same as the singular.
这才是我的好孩子 That's my boy. Hmm.
那么 这是一只驯鹿蝙蝠？ So, this is going to be a reindeer bat?
完全正确 Exactly.
这是世界上第一个 The first one in the world.
这会让我们的洞穴更有圣诞气氛 It's gonna make our cave even that much more Christmassy.
-好主意 -没错 - Good thinking. - Yeah.
把圣诞熊也扔进去怎么样? How about throw in a Christmas bear, too?
好了 看 有个问题 鲁迪 Okay. See,here's the problem, Rudy.
熊在冬天冬眠 Bears hibernate during the winter.
到时候 如果我们的圣诞洞穴里有一只醒着的熊 Now we would look pretty stupid
那会显得我们相当智障 if we had an awake bear in our Christmas cave.
有道理 对不起 爸爸 你说的对 Right. Sorry, Dad. Of course.
没关系 No worries.
做一只圣诞狼 A Christmas wolf.
鲁迪 我们今年要做驯鹿蝙蝠 Okay, Rudy, we're doing reindeer bats this year.
结束话题 好吧？ That's it. Okay?
-完全有道理 -是的 - Makes total sense. - Yes, it does.
-爸爸？ -嗯？ - Dad? - Hmm?
这只驯鹿蝙蝠是不是像圣诞洞穴一样 Is this reindeer bat like the Christmas cave,
虽然它还不算什么 where it's not a thing yet
但如果我们来做 它就会变得有意义? but if we do it,it does become a thing?
因为如果没有人去创造 Because if no one ever did a thing that wasn't a thing,
那世上就不会有任何东西存在了 then there'd be no things.
没错 儿子 Yes, son.
就是这样 Yes, it is.
酷 Cool.
你看到他们造这个的速度有多快吗？ Do you see how quickly they built this?
-嘿 爸爸 -嘿 - Hey, Dad. - Hey.
我把拉力放哪了 Now where did I put that tensile.
好吧 差不多结束了 Well, it's almost finished.
我的生活也快完了 As is my life.
坦纳会在三天内到 Tanner is gonna be here in three days.
我到底该怎么做？ What the hell am I gonna do?
你可以告诉他们你的父母不在家 You could always tell them your parents
然后你可以去丹尼家 are out of town and meet them at Denny's
-请他们一起吃圣诞晚餐 -哦 - for your Christmas Eve dinner. - Oh!
这听起来有点让人郁闷 That sounds depressing.
没这个那么郁闷 Not as depressing as this.
你想让我对我爱的男孩撒谎? You want me to lie to the boy that I love?
没错 Yeah.
嗯 我会的 但他已经知道我父母会在家 Well, I would, but he already knows my parents are in town.
嗨 富兰克林夫人 Hi, Mrs. Franklin.
你好 尼基 Hello, Nicky.
斯蒂芬妮 这是我们邻居富兰克林夫人 你还记得吧 Stephanie, you remember our neighbor, Mrs. Franklin.
哦 是的 你好 Oh, yeah. Hi.
尼基 因为成千上万的人会来我们这条街看你们的圣诞洞穴 Nicky, since thousands of people will descend on our street
顺便说一下 我不觉得有什么必要搞这么大仗势 to see your Christmas cave,which by the way is not a thing.
我也是这么说的 That's what I said.
为了给我自己一片宁静 I'll be checking in to a hotel 'till after Christmas
圣诞结束之前我会去一个旅馆待着 to preserve my sanity.
这意味着我需要你帮我照看小欧芹 That means I need you to catsit little Parsley here.
请每天检查两次欧芹 Please check on Parsley twice a day.
他有猫孤独尿失禁综合症 He has feline solitude incontinence syndrome,
所以如果你不注意他 他就会... 你懂的 so if you don't pay attention to him he, you know...
到处都是小便 对 我知道 Urinates everywhere. Right. I know.
你总是这么优秀 小姑娘 You always do a good job, young lady.
你怎么可能是你那个我永远无法理解的男人的女儿呢 How are you the offspring of that crazy father of yours I'll never know.
嗯 Hmm.
我想疯狂应该是隔代遗传的吧 I guess insanity skips a generation.
希望如此 Let's hope.
一周后见 See you in a week.
哦 天哪 Oh, my god.
刚刚那只猫就是你一直和我说的 That's the cat you were telling me about,
到处乱撒尿的那只？ the one that pees on everything.
是的 就是欧芹 Yup. That's Parsley.
你应该叫他尿猫 He should be called Pissy.
好消息是 他只有在寂寞的时候才会撒尿 Well, the good news is,he only pees when he's lonely,
然而他天天都寂寞 which is all the time.
然后每次我都必须为此做清洁 And then,I have to clean it all up.
你可以把他偷偷带进邻居家 You could always sneak him into the neighbor's house.
克伦肖家的人看起来很粗枝大叶 他们可能不会注意到 The Crenshaws seem pretty gross and they might not notice.
斯蒂芬妮 Steph...
你知道我用这些钥匙能干嘛吗? Do you know what I could do with these keys?
让你进入一个满是猫尿的房子？ Let yourself into a urine soaked house?
我还没有给坦纳我的住址 I haven't given Tanner my address yet.
我可以把隔壁的地址告诉他 I could give him the address of the next door.
我们可以在那吃晚饭 And we could have dinner there
而不是和我疯狂的家人在一起 instead of here with my crazy family.
尼基 That is some seriously
这真是绝顶聪明 evil genius stuff, Nicky.
-我喜欢 但是 呃 -怎么？ - And I love it, but, um... - What?
坦纳不是要见你的父母吗？ Isn't Tanner expecting to meet your parents?
好吧 也许我们该把那些即兴表演课都用上了 Well, maybe it's time we put all those improv classes to use.
我们请几个演员来扮我的父母 We hire actors to play my parents.
请演员？ We hire actors?
哦 太棒了 Oh, that's brilliant.
我们可以用我们的即兴表演技巧 And we could use our pro-improv skills
来指导他们 to direct them.
是的 这会很有趣的 Yes! This is gonna be so much fun.
而且那晚我们再也不用见到我那疯狂愚蠢的圣诞家人了 And we'll never see my crazy, stupid Christmas family.
斯蒂芬妮和尼基拯救全人类 Stephanie and Nicky save the day.
这一切都要感谢猫 All thanks to Pissy the cat.
你确定你父母 You're sure your parents don't care
不介意我们用你的房子吗 斯蒂芬? if we use your house, Steph?
如果他们知道的话 可能会在意的 They might care if they knew.
嗯 Mm!
这么多人啊 Quite an impressive turnout.
是吧 我想我们应该是圣克拉里塔唯一 I know right? I guess we're the only thing casting
在圣诞夜找演员的人了 in Santa Clarita for Christmas Eve.
谁会想到呢 Go figure, right?
嗯 你有没有想过 Um, did you ever figure out
如何在不在场的情况下操控那边的全息图？ how to work the hologram thing without being there?
电脑俱乐部的阿奇说他可以制作一个程序 Archie from computer club says he can make a program
弄一个自动圣诞老人出来 that puts it on auto Santa.
太好了 Great!
斯蒂芬 这太疯狂了 我们时间不够 Steph, this is crazy, we're not gonna have enough time.
嘿 我们完全可以 Hey, we totally got this.
我们好好选出最佳演员的 We'll plow through the auditions,
然后好好地训练他们 与此同时你可以放心地 whip the actors into shape while you spend Christmas Eve
和你家人在圣诞洞穴里度过圣诞前夕 with your fam in the Christmas cave.
坦纳和他爸爸今晚来的时候 No one will be the wiser
没人会发现的 when Tanner and his dad show up tonight.
老实说 Honestly, I wish
我们应该接点皮疹药膏广告的 we had rash medicine commercial to cast on the side
因为这一切简直太轻而易举了 because this just seems too easy.
好吧 All right.
-我们开始吧 -好的 - Let's do this. - Good.
你好 坦纳 "Hello, Tanner.
很高兴终于见到了我女儿去年夏天遇到的那个男孩 It is so nice to finally meet the boy that my daughter met last summer."
-还不错 -是的 - That was great. - Yeah.
实际的表演中不会有剧本的 There's not going to be a script for the actual performance
大多需要你即兴表演 just a lot of improv.
即兴表演？ Improv?
是啊 你现在就去和斯蒂芬妮聊聊试试 Yeah, so why don't you go ahead and improv with Stephanie
她会假装是坦纳的爸爸 right now, she'll pretend to be Tanner's dad.
所以 温特斯太太 我听说你的女儿在玩大号 So, Mrs. Winters, I hear your daughter plays the tuba.
怎么了？ Hello?
-她不行 -嗯 - I'm gonna go with no on her. - Mm.
是的 没错 Yeah, okay.
我知道广告上说这是有偿演出 So I know the ad said that it's a paid gig,
但我只能付50美元 but I can only afford to pay 50 dollars.
付钱给我们？ Pay us?
如果有打斗场面 我可以多花点钱 Could maybe pay little bit more if there was fight scene,
我甚至可以自己动手 这 看着吧 I can even fight myself. Here just... just watch.
看 Just...
哦 我的... Oh, my...
这是我发明的一个小东西 Uh, it's a little something I invented called
叫停止独白 a stop monologue.
-是有版权的 -啊 - It's copyrighted. - Ah.
不行 No.
我可以跳舞 So, I think I can dance.
哦 不行 他太嘻哈了 Oh, no! He's too hip-hop.
不 呃 这个角色没有舞蹈戏份 No, um, there's no dancing involved in this role.
然后我就参加了《屋上的提琴手》 And then I was in Fiddler on the Roof.
最初的制作 The original production.
我在他爬出屋顶之前拉起了小提琴 And I play the fiddler before he got out of the roof.
非常感谢你的到来 Thank you so much for coming in.
我戴的席子撑起了屋顶 I wore the mat that had played the roof.
-我没懂 -我知道 我是犹太人 我也不懂 - That makes no sense. - I know, I'm Jewish. It doesn't.
你想听我的英语口音吗？ Would you like to hear my English accent?
我父亲不是英国人 My father's not English.
呃 你好 先生 Uh, hello, guv'nor.
什么 What-o!
欢乐满人间 Chim, chim, cher-ee!
你能相信吗？ 我从来没有去过英国 Can you believe,I've never even been to England.
-我信 -嗯 - Yes. - Mm.
我也会唱那首世界最伟大的音乐 I also sing the greatest music of all.
篝火之歌 Campfire songs.
你可能会问 一个百老汇演员 How the hell did a Broadway actor
怎么会在圣克拉丽塔落脚呢? end up in Santa Clarita,you may ask.
-我真的不... -继续啊 问吧 - I really don't... - Go ahead, ask.
请问您一位百老汇的演员为什么... How did a Broadway actor end...
时机 是时机啊 Timing! You think timing.
在你问我问题的时候 我打断了你 I interrupted you in the middle of you asking me a question.
再问我一次 这很有趣 Ask me again, it's always funny.
拜托 拜托 我需要这个 好吧 Please, please, I need this. All right.
听着 让我做个替补也行 Look, let me be the understudy.
我会成为一个很好的替补人选的 Look, I... I'll be a great understudy.
这个角色需要裸体吗? Does the part require nudity?
因为我更喜欢这样 Because I prefer it.
如果可以的话就全裸 Full frontal if possible.
最后 我只想告诉你 And in conclusion,I just want to tell you
能见到尼基的男朋友我真的很高兴 how pleased I am to meet Nicky's boyfriend.
而且 我也不喜欢圣诞节 And that, I too am not keen on Christmas.
你演的太好了 You nailed it.
谢谢你们 太好了 Thank you, you are too kind.
你能全职当我爸爸吗？ Are you available to be my dad full-time?
开个玩笑的...吧 Just kidding. Mostly.
不管怎样 你被录用了 Anyway, you're hired.
今晚的演出你没问题吧? And you're all right that this gig is for tonight?
我知道今天是平安夜 I know it's Christmas Eve.
你在开玩笑吧？圣诞节对我来说在这 Are you kidding? Christmas is here.
表演... Acting...
就在这里 is here.
-嗯 -工匠精神 - Mm. - Commitment to the craft.
我喜欢 I like that.
我谦卑地接受这个角色 I humbly accept this position.
问个简单的问题 Quick question though,
我必须在这个演出中喝酒吗? will I have to be drinking alcohol in this gig?
-不 -哦 那就好 - No. - Oh, good.
我可不想把酒精监测环给弄响警报了 Wouldn't want to set off the old alcohol monitoring bracelet.
很好 It's fine.
我被录用了 对吧？ I'm hired, right?
我还需要你们给我叫个车回家 I also need a ride home.
没有 No.
詹姆斯女士 见到你真是太好了 Ms. James,it is so great to see you.
是啊 很高兴见到你 Well, it's great to see you...
我 我认识你吗？ 你上过我的课吗？ Do I... do I know you,were you in one of my classes?
噢 Uh.
真有趣 不吗？ That's so funny. Isn't it funny?
她不是在开玩笑 是吧？ She's not joking, is she?
-嗯 -好的 不错 不错 - Mm-mm - Okay, yes. Yes!
是的 你的课我都上过 Yes, I'm in all of your classes.
它们是我的最爱 去年也上了你的课 They're my favorite. Took them last year, too.
是的 很有前途 Yes, you showed great promise.
我想说 I wanna say...
斯 Saaar...
斯蒂芬妮 Stephanie
-斯蒂芬妮 -斯蒂芬妮 - Stephanie. - Stephanie.
当然 你叫斯蒂芬妮 Of course,your name is Stephanie.
好吧 每次排练后我都打扫卫生 Yeah. Yeah, I swept up after every rehearsal.
事实上 你现在穿的毛衣是我织的 I actually, knitted that sweater you're currently wearing,
我为你创办了Facebook粉丝俱乐部 I started that Facebook fan club for you.
现在我想起来了 Now it's coming back to me.
我记得 你是那个 I remember. You're the one
总是想和所有帅哥 who always wanted to do the kissing scenes
一起拍吻戏的人 呃 真羞耻呢 with all the handsome boys. Uh, shame on you.
-对了 这就是斯蒂芬 -那就是我 - That's our Steph. - That's me.
我想让你知道我已经读了剧本 I want you to know that I've read the material,
我已经融入了这个角色 I have absorbed the character,I am...
我非常擅长即兴表演 very good at improv...
想象力是无限的 The imagination is limitless.
前提是你要任它驰骋 If you let it be ladies.
太好了 那我们就即兴表演吧 Great! Then let's improv.
我是尼基男朋友的爸爸 好吧 明白了吗? I'll be Nicky's boyfriend's dad. Okay, got it?
让我们都做个深呼吸 Let's all do a breath.
我的鼻子有毛病 所以很难吸气 I have a deviated septum so it's harder to get it in.
不要呼气 不要呼气 Don't breathe out. Don't breathe out.
不要呼气 No breathe out.
呼气 Breathe out.
我们开始吧 Let's get ready to improv!
-好的 -开始 - Okay. Yeah. - Here we go.
你好 先生们 很高兴 Well, hello, gentlemen,it's so nice to...
尼基 Nicky.
我能看出你男朋友的魅力是从哪儿来的 I can see where your boyfriend gets all of his charms from.
温特斯太太 我听说你的女儿在玩大号 Mrs. Winters, I heard your daughter plays the tuba.
呃 在玩吗？嗯 我不知道 Uh, plays it? Mm, I dunno.
我想她是用它来调情的 I think she rocks the hizouse with it.
很好啊 Nice touch.
让我切实感受到了妈妈牌尴尬 That actually gave me legit embarrassing mom cringe.
好吧 Well...
我觉得你蛮适合这个角色 I think you're perfect for the role.
-没错 -你确定 - Yeah. - You're sure you're all right
即使今晚是平安夜 with doing this even though it's tonight
你也能来的吧？ and it's Christmas Eve?
圣诞节啊 天啊 我对圣诞节简直不能忍 Christmas, uh, god.I can't stand Christmas.
太好了 Perfect!
找到一个和我一样讨厌圣诞节的女演员 What are the odds we find an actress who hates Christmas
-还真不容易 -就是啊 - as much as I do. - Right?
我在开玩笑 我爱圣诞节 I'm kidding! I love Christmas!
我只是一个很有天赋的女演员 I'm just a really talented actress.
告诉过你 Told ya.
嗯哼 Uh-huh.
拜托 我的简历需要这个 Please, I need this for my resume.
我是一个很好的替补人选 I'm a great understudy
你们甚至都不知道我就在这里 and you won't even know I'm around.
-嗯 -因为我会隐身 - Mm-mm. - Because I'm stealthy.
看到了吗？ See?
我说过我会玩杂耍吗? Did I mention I can juggle?
-哦 我的天 -不 - Oh, my god. - No...
这也叫演员 Actors.
哇 还真是个圣诞洞 Wow. It really is a Christmas cave.
好吧 我们得把这些拉起来 Okay. We need to keep these closed.
那就是你要假扮的人 That's the guy you're pretending to be,
不能让他看见你 he can't see you.
哦 布拉德利 这是詹姆斯女士 Uh, Bradley, this is Ms. James.
-詹姆斯女士 这是 -我们见过面 - And Ms. James this... - We've met.
我们一起演了西区故事 We did West Side Story together.
你出演了我的托尼的玛丽亚 You played Maria to my Tony.
你的托尼？你的托尼？ You're Tony? You're Tony?
看来你们已经演过情侣了 So you guys have already played a couple.
就一个晚上 For one night.
直到他被替补无情地取代 Until he was unmercifully replaced by the understudy.
有什么问题吗？ Was there a problem?
你不该用真的弹簧刀 You're not supposed to use a real switchblade.
我被判无罪 好吗？ I was acquitted of all charges, okay?
用替补代替我 一点也不酷 And replacing me with the understudy, not cool.
不酷 Not cool.
我到现在仍做恶梦 Still have nightmares.
好了 我们继续 Okay! So, um, moving on.
呃 布拉德利 你要扮演尼基的爸爸 克里斯 Uh, Bradley, you'll be playing Nicky's dad, Chris.
詹姆斯女士 你要扮演尼基的妈妈 弗兰 And Ms. James, you'll be playing Nicky's mom, Fran.
弗兰 明白了 Fran. Got it.
嗯 在他们到达前 我们还有七个小时 Uh, we only have about seven hours until they arrive.
所以 我们排练一下 So, uh, let's rehearse.
呃 尼基 你是坦纳的爸爸 兰斯 Uh, Nicky,you be Tanner's dad, Lance,
我是坦纳 and I'll be Tanner.
开始 And action!
兰斯 很高兴见到你 Lance, it is so nice to meet you.
是的 很高兴见到你 Yes, it's so nice to meet you.
还有 坦纳 这个名字真好听 And, Tanner, what a lovely name.
-可爱的名字 -等等 卡 嗯 - What a lovely name. - Wait, cut. Um...
布拉德利 你只是在重复詹姆斯说的话 Bradley, you're just repeating whatever Ms. James says.
我是一个和他妻子合拍的丈夫 I was being a husband in tune with his wife.
好吧 呃 好吧 Okay, uh, well...
我们稍微收一点 好吧？ Let's maybe dial that back just a little bit, okay?
开始 And action.
兰斯 坦纳 Lance, Tanner,
-你的航班怎么样？ -哦 - how was your flight? - Oh.
这是个蠢问题 亲爱的 That's a stupid question, honey.
你别太过了 求你 And dial back on the harsh,too, please.
演员 Actors.
我知道 I know.
旅途很好 The flight was swell.
太好了 你是康涅狄格州哪个地方的？ Great, great. Now, what part of Connecticut are you from?
好的地方 The nice part.
不 不 我不能笑这个 No, no, I cannot laugh at that.
-为什么不？-我觉得 - Why not? - I don't think
我的角色应该不会觉得这个好笑 that my character would find it funny.
你能停止抱怨 专业点吗？ Can you stop whining and just be professional?
-哦 专业点？ -嗯 没错 - Oh, professional? - Uh, yeah.
你不过就是个戏剧老师 You're a drama teacher, okay?
你就只能给人家的演技指指点点 还只能拿那点点工资 You're a babysitter with a scenery budget.
好吧 让我告诉你 我演过《法与制》 All right. I'll have you know,I was on Law & Order.
哦 我知道 Oh, I know.
因为你带了DVD来排练现场 Because you brought the DVD to rehearsal
逼着大家都看 and made everybody watch it.
你就演了个陪审团的一员 Your part was a member of the jury.
你做的就是 Your whole part consisted
在作证的时候点头 就没了 of nodding during the testimony. This is it.
-看 我都能点 -伙计们 - Look, I can nod. - Guys...
我告诉你 我向埃帕莎·默克森点的头 I'll have you know, I nodded to S. Epatha Merkerson.
你向谁点过头 这位先生？ Who have you ever nodded to, sir?
你向谁点头？ To whom have you nodded?
结束话题 你这个酒鬼 I rest my case, you alcoholic.
你不应该这么大声说出来的 That's supposed to be anonymous.
大家都能看到你脚踝上的监控器 Everyone can see your ankle monitor.
希望你们选了有替补 Hope you guys hired an understudy for this hack.
-你给我收回那句话 -好了 冷静点 - You take that back. - Okay, settle down...
距离我男朋友和他爸爸来 We only have a few hours
我们只有几小时了 until my boyfriend and his dad get...
我拒绝继续演下去 I refuse to go on until this lumping lummox
直到这个笨蛋为嘲笑我的简历向我道歉 apologizes to me for mocking my resume.
听我说 Listen to me!
这是我生命中第一次 For the first time in my life
可能想要真正的过一次圣诞节 I might be able to have the Christmas I want.
一个我可以放松和正常点的圣诞节 A Christmas where I can relax and be normal.
正常的 我要正常的圣诞节 Normal! I need to be normal!
我现在要去帮我妈妈 I need to go help my mother now.
希望她不要那样和她妈妈说话 Hope she doesn't talk to her mom that way.
看看你滚芝士球的样子 Look at the way you manipulate those cheeseballs.
有多少女孩能做到呢? How many other girls can do that?
我敢说没有几个 Mighty few I'd say.
是啊 我是所有朋友羡慕的对象 I'm the envy of all my friends.
哦 你这个爱嘲讽的小姑娘 Oh, you sarcastic young woman.
会有很多饥肠辘辘的游客来到圣诞洞 There's gonna be a lot of hungry visitors
期待着几个小时后就能吃到的圣诞大餐 to the Christmas cave expecting their Christmas treats
这些芝士球不能让他们失望 in a few hours, and those balls will not disappoint.
你就当没听见吧 You don't hear it, do you, Mom?
没有什么吃的比得上圣诞食物 There's no food like Christmas food.
圣诞食物 Christmas food.
你到底在说什么？ What the Blitzen are you going on about?
妈妈 我得去看看斯蒂芬妮 Mom, I gotta go check on Stephanie,
因为她是犹太人 现在是圣诞节 because she's Jewish and it's Christmas,
所以 你知道 so, you know,
这对犹太人来说是个艰难的时候 it's a difficult time for her people.
你为什么非得现在去? Why do you have to go this minute?
因为她是犹太人啊 Because reasons. Jewish reasons.
天哪 犹太人要做的事太多了 Gosh, it sounds like so much work to be Jewish.
你为什么从窗户进来？ Why are you coming in through the window?
鲁迪差点看见我来了 那个小笨蛋 Rudy almost saw me coming here, the little twerp.
但这不算问题 But that's the least of our problems.
冷静点 姑娘 你的好莱坞父母演得很好 Chill, woman. Your Hollywood parents are doing great.
我只是一艘承载戏剧精神的船 I am merely a vessel for the spirit of the theater.
我看你的精神是指伏特加精神吧 If by spirit, you mean vodka.
我们完蛋了 We're screwed.
为什么 天天只知道失望队长大人？ Why, Captain Bummer of the SS Bring Me Down?
因为很明显 Because it will be kind of obvious
坦纳和他爸爸来吃晚饭 if Tanner and his dad show up for dinner
但我们没准备晚饭 and there's no dinner.
哦 对 我们忘了这事 Uh, yeah. We forgot about that.
你们要知道 我不做饭 Just so you know, I don't cook.
而且我的角色 But my character
也不做 doesn't either.
-好吧 -好吧 - Okay. - Okay.
你能拯救我的生命吗？ Can you save my life?
买六个人的晚餐？没问题 And go buy dinner for six people? Done.
记住 别买太有圣诞气息的食物 And remember,nothing too Christmassy.
没问题*2 不吃红色和绿色的食物 Double done. No red or green foods.
啊 真希望我是充话费送的 Ugh. Wish I was adopted.
那么 我们现在该干嘛？ Well, what are we supposed to do now?
就当中场休息吧 Consider this intermission.
有螺丝刀吗？ Anybody have a screwdriver?
如果我把酒倒在这东西上 What would happen if I poured alcohol
会怎么样？ on that thing?
我会进监狱 I would go to jail.
更糟糕的是 你浪费薄荷味的杜松子酒 And worse, you'd be wasting peppermint schnapps
哦 这个？ Oh, this?
怎么了 谢谢你 Why, thank you.
你觉得这颜色能衬托出我的眼睛吗? You think the color brings out my eyes?
哦 坦纳 别这样 Oh, Tanner, stop.
嗯 Hmm.
那些小红莓凉了吗 亲爱的？我们应该把它们放在 Those cranberries cool yet, hon? We should put them in the...
哦 Oh!
-哦 不 亲爱的 -哦 我的天 - Oh, no. Honey. - Oh, my god.
你的漂亮衣服 Your pretty dress.
哦 哦 我很抱歉 Oh, oh. I'm so sorry.
哦 不 Oh, no.
啊 今年我没有备用的小红莓 Ugh, the one year I don't have backup cranberries.
你认真的吗？ Seriously?
对不起 快去换吧 I'm sorry, go change.
快去换衣服 You know what,you're gonna have to go change.
你得去做全息圣诞老人 You gotta work that hologram Santa.
我很抱歉 亲爱的 I'm so sorry, honey.
去把自己收拾干净 Go get yourself cleaned up.
没有备用的小红莓了 No backup cranberries.
哦 Oh!
我真不敢相信 I can't believe this.
为什么要这样？你看起来很美 Why the drama? You look great.
那是我期待已久的裙子 斯蒂芬 That was the dress, Steph.
嘿 不 不 不 Hey, no, no, no.
你看起来很美 You look amazing.
坦纳会比现在更爱你的 And Tanner's gonna love you even more than he already does.
我不能生活在一个尼基·温特斯无法和她梦中情人 Because I cannot live in a world where Nicky Winters is not
在一起的世界里 with the man of her dreams.
其实我也是 That's kind of codependent.
我喜欢这样 I love it.
你看起来棒极了 You look great.
-一切都会很顺利的 -是吗？ - This is gonna be great. - Yeah?
我们可以的 你知道的 And we got this, you know we do.
-好吗？ -好的 - Okay? - Okay.
-嗯 -你穿黄色很好看 - Hm. - You look good in yellow.
这棵树在法律允许的最大高度内
嗨 你准备好进洞了吗？ Hi, are you ready to go inside the cave?
-是的 -你兴奋吗？是的 - Yeah. - You're excited? Yeah.
-是的 -当然了 很兴奋 - Yeah. - Exactly. Excited.
乔治·贝利呼叫克拉伦斯 George Bailey to Clarence?
回答 克拉伦斯 Come in, Clarence.
我是克拉伦斯 This is Clarence.
收到 Roger that.
大伙怎么样？ How's the crowd?
他们表现怎么样？我们需要额外安全措施吗？ Do we need additional security or are they well behaved?
我能控制住 I've got them under control.
但如果有什么麻烦的话 But if there's any trouble,
我还是让热苹果来负责吧 I'll let the hot cider do the talking.
好的 克拉伦斯 嚯 嚯 嚯 Roger that, Clarence. Ho, ho, ho, hooraybell.
还不错 That's pretty good.
这可是我每天都要跳的圣诞老人舞 Well, that's your everyday Santa dance.
我越狱了这台机器 加了一个循环程序 I kinda jailbroke this machine and I put it on a loop,
所以它应该会一直运行到晚上 so it should keep on running for the rest of the night.
好的 All right.
我的灵媒告诉我 You know,my psychic just told me
我的灵兽是一只狼 that my spirit animal is a wolf.
你喜欢狼吗？ You like wolves?
喜欢 Sure.
斯蒂芬说了小费的事吗？ Steph said something about a tip?
哦 说了 Oh, right.
呃 15美元 Um, here is 15 dollars.
你确定这能行吗？ You're sure this'll work?
嗯 有15美元的把握 I'm 15 dollars sure.
嗯 好的 Huh. Okay.
哎哟 Whoops.
鲁迪终于去厕所了 Rudy finally took a bathroom break,
所以我才能来 so I could get over here.
好的 那么 Okay, so...
圣诞树准备好了 The Christmas trees are good to go,
跳舞的圣诞老人至少会持续进行到下一个复活节 and the dancing Santa loop should hold them 'till Easter.
哦 我忘了猫了 Oh, shoot I forgot about the cat.
冷静点 Calm down.
你好 欧芹 Hello, Parsley.
我们要把你关在这 好吗？ We're gonna put you in here, okay?
好了 我们走吧 Okay, let's go.
你是世界上最奇怪的猫 You are the weirdest cat in the whole wide world.
这是你的小床 Here's your little bed.
有你的食物 你的玩具 还有你的猫砂盒 And your food, and your toys,and your litter box.
记得怎么用 对吧？ Remember how to use that, okay?
好的 Okay.
你不会相信的 坦纳给我发短信了 You're not gonna believe this,but Tanner texted me,
他的航班提前降落了 所以他已经在来的路上了 his flight landed early. So, he's on his way here, now.
是现在 不是待会 As in, not later, now.
呃 好吧 晚餐端上来了 Uh. Well, dinner is served.
就像我们犹太人说的 Or, as my people would say,
上膳了 bon appétit.
这是什么？ What is this?
土豆片啊 They're latkes.
不 这些是什么？ No, what is... What is all this?
你以为我平安夜在哪儿能找到一顿丰盛的晚餐? Uh, where did you expect me to find a full meal
犹太熟食店？ on Christmas Eve? It was either Jewish Deli
还是中餐厅 14号大街的中餐厅 or China, China, China on 14th Street.
亲爱的 这些吃的难吃难吃难吃的不行 And honey, that food is bad, bad, bad.
哦 天哪 天哪 他到了 Oh, crap, crap, crap. He's here!
起来 站起来 他们来了 Get up. Get up, they're here!
已经来了？ Already?
我还没睡午觉 I didn't get to take my power nap.
好了 听好了 All right, listen up, cast.
你知道有句老话 糟糕的彩排 精彩的表演 You know what they say,bad dress rehearsal, great show.
在我内心深处我相信 你们可以... And I know that in my heart,you guys can...
别说了 斯蒂芬 Stop! Steph.
-别打气了 -对不起 - Enough with the pep talk. - Sorry.
就现在了 This is it.
好的 Okay.
你确定我们能成功吗? Are you sure we can actually pull this off?
现在退出还为时不晚？ It's not too late to back out?
你可以告诉他们真相 You can tell them the truth,
和你真正的家人一起面对 and take the chances with your real family.
因为一旦你打开了那扇门 Because once you open that door,
就不能回头了 好吗？ there's no turning back, okay?
你会陷入欺骗的无底洞 You will fall down the rabbit hole of deception
这绝对不是件简单的事情 and trickery,like nothing you've ever known.
听起来不错 Sounds good.
-尼基 -坦纳 - Nicky! - Tanner!
-我很想你 -我也很想你 - I missed you. - I missed you too!
这个男孩是谁？在跟我女儿干什么？ Who's this boy manhandling my daughter?
哦 Oh.
哈 我只是开玩笑 我是这个家的爸爸 Hah! I'm just kidding. I'm the dad of this family.
我是坦纳 I'm Tanner.
-这是我 呃 爸爸 兰斯 -嗨 你们好 - This is my, uh, dad, Lance. - Hi. Hey.
-嗯 你好 -嗯 很高兴认识你 先生 - Uh, hello. - Uh, nice to me you, Mr....
呃 叫我兰斯就好了 Uh, call me Lance.
这是我的朋友斯蒂芬妮 This is my friend Stephanie.
很高兴见到你 Very nice to meet you.
呃 隔壁怎么了？ Uh, what's going on next door?
噢 是 呃 Oh! it's, um...
呃 爸爸？ Uh, Dad?
爸爸？ Dad?
-那是我 -嗯 - That's me! - Hm.
哇哦 先生们 Well, hello gentlemen!
很高兴见到你们 So good to see you!
我们别让客人久等了 Let's not keep our guests waiting.
走吧 孩子们 Come on in, boys!
好的 Okay.
这才是专业演技 That's how a professional does it.
各位 欢迎 Guys, welcome!
好面包 Great bread!
嗯 Mm-hmm.
是的 呃 Yes. So...
有点干了 ...dry.
哦 嗯 Oh, um.
我去给你拿点水 I'll go get you some water.
好的 Okay.
你是犹太人吗？ Are you Jewish?
不是 No.
我们只是喜欢吃无酵饼 We just love matzo.
有点干 会让喉咙发痒 So dry. Goes down scratchy.
这是加州特产 It's, it's kind of a Cali thing.
坦纳 So, Tanner!
你觉得圣克拉丽塔怎么样？ How do you like Santa Clarita?
比波士顿暖和一点 是吧？ It's a little warmer than Boston, huh?
是康涅狄格州 Connecticut.
-什么？ -醉鬼说“什么”？ - What? - Drunk, say "what?"
什么？ What?
记得吗 爸爸？我 Remember, Dad? I...
我发誓他的记忆力正在弱化 I swear his memory is going.
坦纳和他爸爸住在康涅狄格州 Tanner and his dad live in Connecticut.
我是乔治·贝利 呼叫克拉伦斯 This is George Bailey,to Clarence.
乔治贝利呼叫克拉伦斯 George Bailey to Clarence.
见过尼基吗？ Have you seen Nicky?
我要开洞了 I'm about to open the cave,
没有她我做不到 完毕 and I can't do it without her. Over.
没有看到 乔治 That's a negative, George.
她不见了 完毕 She disappoints yet again. Over.
为什么康涅狄格 You know, how come you never pronounce
你不发第二个C音？ the second C in Connecticut?
康涅C狄格 "Connect-ticut."
这听起来有点怪 对吧？ That would sound weird, right?
这问题很深刻吧倒是？ Makes you think, though,doesn't it?
哦 可不 Oh, no. It does not.
这里很好 温特斯先生 It's great here, Mr. Winters.
在圣诞节期间晒晒太阳真好 It's nice to be in the sun during Christmas time.
圣诞节到了 Christmas time!
圣诞节到了 Christmas time is here.
就在这里 Right here!
还有隔壁 And also next door.
隔壁刚好迎来了一个特别时间 Next door is having a special time.
非常关键的时刻哦 Right, in the nick of time,
可以这么说 you might say.
哦 Oh.
哦 Oh!
对不起 我得去上主菜了 I'm sorry, I have to go work on the main course.
那个无酵母饼可不会自己做好 That matzoh can't ball itself.
哦 对吧？ Oh, right?
对不起 Excuse me...
-我马上回来 -好的 - I'll be right back. - Yeah.
我们晚餐也吃这个? We're having this stuff for dinner, too?
嗯 Hm.
康涅狄格 "Connect-ticut."
-对 -哦 - Yeah. - Oh!
再来 Again!
好的 Yeah.
我应该参加那些血统测试 I should take all those genealogy tests.
哦 上帝 Oh, god.
-嘿 -哦 - Hey. - Oh!
你还在这干什么？道格 What the hell are you doing here, Doug?
当替补 Being an understudy.
我准备好了 只要一接到通知 I'm ready to go on,at a moment's notice,
我就会继续演你的父亲 and play your dad.
伟大的艺术家永不放弃 A great artist never gives up.
J·K·罗琳在出版《哈利波特》之前 J.K. Rowling was rejected 12 times
被拒绝了12次 before they published Harry Potter.
好的 Right.
嗯 Um.
快快闪开吧 怪人 Expelliarmus, weirdo.
那才不是咒语 That's not a real spell.
对不起 Excuse me.
嘿 看看你 Hey, look at you.
我是一根棒棒糖 I'm a candy cane!
是的 我敢打赌 很甜 Yeah, and a real sweet one,I'll bet.
很可爱 That's cute.
对不起 我能看一下你的通行证吗？ Excuse me. Can I see your access pass?
别烦她 鲁迪 Leave her alone, Rudy.
万一出了什么差错 那可是算在你头上 If you like unsecure areas,then that's on you.
你父亲准备要打开圣诞洞了 Your father's just about to open the Christmas cave.
好了 我们准备好了... Okay, we are just about ready for a...
-怎么了？ -只是 - What? - It's just...
你怎么没有穿你的服装 You're not wearing your costume.
爸爸 不 没有服装 好吗？ Dad, no. No costume, okay?
我 我只做一个跳舞全息图 I'm... I'm the dancing hologram.
没有别的了 That's it.
现在 让我们 Now, let's...
打开圣诞洞 open the Christmas cave!
好的 Okay...
她没有穿她的服装 She didn't put on her costume.
为什么这位女士要阻止圣诞节？ Why is this lady stopping Christmas?
她的圣诞精神在哪？ Where's her Christmas spirit?
你为什么讨厌美国？ Why do you hate America?
尼基 如果你不穿衣服 那就不一样了 Nicky, it's not really the same if you're not in a costume.
她还关心这个节日吗？ Doe she even care about this holiday?
好吧 Okay.
来吧 亲爱的 Come on, sweetie.
我帮你穿上 你自己穿不了 I'll you put it on. You can't put it on by yourself.
-走吧 -好的 - Here we go. - Okay.
稍有延迟 但别慌 Slight delay, but not to panic!
大门即将打开 The gate's opening is moments away!
这需要 需要一个队伍 It take...It takes a team.
虽然大部分是我 It was mostly me.
然后夏尔巴人说 And then the Sherpa said,
我从来没见过像你这样肚子小的白人 "I've never seen a white guy with calves like yours."
嗯 Hm.
你就只会点头是吧？ So, is that your only move? Nodding, huh?
《西区故事》是我的大好机会 West Side Story was my big break
你毁了我 你这个烂酒鬼 and you ruined it for me,you booze-back loser.
哦 亲爱的 Oh, honey!
你不需要在我耳边说甜言蜜语 You don't have to whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
我知道你有多爱我 I know how much you love me!
我知道 我知道你有多爱我 I know it! I know how much you love me.
真爱啊 So much.
哦 太美了 Oh! Beautiful.
你是这个圣诞节的完美点缀 You are the ornament that makes this Christmas complete.
啊 小心混凝土 真痛 Ow! Concrete. Hurting.
你真奇怪 You're weird.
哦 亲爱的 我帮你 过来 Oh, honey. Let me help you up. Come here.
哦 宝贝 Oh, baby.
要让我失望 这可不够 It takes more than that to keep me down.
好了 伙计们 爸爸要打开这个洞了 Okay guys,Dad's gonna open the cave.
时间到 The time has come!
我现在宣布圣诞洞 I now pronounce the Christmas cave
正式开放 officially open!
我知道 非常棒 对吧？ I know. Pretty awesome, right?
你现在快去最后面的岗位上就绪 Now, you need get to your post at the end of the tour.
好吧 走吧 Well, come on!
好吧 好吧 一次一个 一个一个来 All right, all right. One at a time, one at a time.
大家圣诞快乐 圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas!
你先请 大家往前走吧 Right after you.Make your way.
慢慢来 享受所有的风景 Take your time. Enjoy all the sights.
很好 很好 别推 别推 Good, good, good. No pushing, now. No pushing.
我们洞里空间很大 We've got plenty of room in the cave.
要是你们愿意 就再走一圈 Come around a second lap,if you want.
圣诞节到了 大喊大叫的时候到了 It's Christmas time for crying out loud.
所以 我必须学会 So, then I had to learn to...
再次走路 to walk again.
就在我能站起来的时候 And just as I was able to stand,
我爱上了克里斯 他让我神魂颠倒 I fell in love with Chris here,and he swept me off my feet.
但是后来他不得不去打仗 But then he had to go fight in the war.
这真是太鼓舞人心了 温特斯先生 That's so inspiring, Mr. Winters.
-是啊 -你参加的什么战役？ - Yeah. - Which war did you fight in?
加拿大 加拿大战争 Canada, in Canadian War.
嗯 人们很少谈论这个 Hmm. People don't really talk about it much.
-嗯？ -嗯 人们不谈 - Eh? - No, they don't.
他们不谈 They don't.
他们不 不谈这 They don't, they don't talk.
太酷了 It's cool!
好的 Okay...
是温尼伯战役 So, it was the Battle of Winnipeg, right?
这场战争很残酷 因为整个战争都是在雪天里 And it was brutal,because it was covered in snow
-而且还有好多好多枫糖浆 -哇 - and maple syrup... - Whoa.
尼基在里面没事吧？她去了好久了 Is Nicky all right in there? It's been a while.
哦 不 不 不 Oh, no, no, no.
她可能只是 She was probably just...
-哦 - 在弄 - Oh. - ...wrangling
-一个超大号的无酵饼球 -好的 嘿 嘿 - an extra-large matzoh ball. - Okay. Heh, heh.
因为她太骄傲 不想寻求帮助 Too proud to ask for help.
你就坐这吧 我去看看 You stay there, I'll go check.
别让他们离开 好吗？ And don't let them leave, okay?
住嘴 No!
耶 Yay!
斯蒂芬妮 Stephanie!
-我无话可说 -我有 快帮我 - There are no words. - The words are help!
斯蒂芬妮 Stephanie!
有人来了 等一下 Someone's coming! With you in a second.
斯蒂芬妮？ Stephanie?
嘿 你有冰钳吗？ Hey, do you have ice tongs?
我觉得我的角色用得上冰钳 I feel like my character would have ice tongs.
不 No!
没事 It's fine.
斯蒂芬尼 斯蒂芬妮 斯蒂芬妮 Stephanie! Stephanie? Stephanie!
钻这个窗户 这个大点 Come in this window. It's bigger.
-好的 -来吧 - Yeah. - Come on.
好的 Okay.
你们还好吗？ You guys okay in there?
噢 Ow.
尼基 有人来了 Nicky, someone's coming.
-谁？嘿 怎么了 -有人来了 - Who? Hey, why... - Someone's coming.
有人来了 Someone's coming!
我应该问一下吗？ Should I even ask?
我的假父母两口子还好吗？ How is everything going with Mr. and Mrs. Fake Parent?
是的 很好 还装得下去 Yeah, it's fine. Everything's fine.
-不 不 不 不 -这只是蛋酒 - No, no, no, no! - It's just eggnog!
好的 Okay.
这只是蛋酒 It's just eggnog!
我听到你的脚踝监视器响了 I can hear your ankle monitor beeping!
还可以更好 It could be better.
就这样 That's it.
-我和这个女人演不下去了 -你不会演戏 就这样 - I can't act with this woman. - You can't act, period.
-哦 我不会演？你是 -哦 哦 我就是这个... - Oh, I can't act? You're the... - Oh, oh, I'm this guy...
伙计们 Guys.
里面的那个男孩爱我 That boy in there loves me.
求你们了 别毁了这一切 Please, do not ruin this.
他说我是他的凯特·米德尔顿 He said I'm his Kate Middleton.
他说我是他的凯特 He said I'm his Kate!
好吧 Okay.
行 Fine.
谢谢 Thank you.
-谁是凯特·米德尔顿？ -一位公主 - Who's Kate Middleton? - She's the princess!
哦 天哪 Oh, my god.
嗯 Hm.
谁想喝汤吗？ Who is ready for soup?
啊 呃 Ah, um.
嗯 Hm.
看看真正的演员是怎么做的 Watch and see how it's done.
我只是想让坦纳告诉我们 I was just gonna ask Tanner to tell us the story
你们是怎么邂逅的 about how you guys met at camp.
你忘了点头 You forgot to nod.
有一次我听到尼基在吹大号 Once I heard Nicky on that tuba,
然后就顺其自然了 the rest is pretty much history.
那是一只蝙蝠吗？ Is that a bat?
它戴着驯鹿的角吗？ Is it wearing reindeer antlers?
-哦 -嘿 - Oh! - Hey!
嘿 你猜怎么着 Hey, guess what.
我们来玩一个有趣的聚会游戏 Let's play a fun party game called,
不能往窗外看 "No one look out the window."
哦 我要到外面去拍那只蝙蝠的照片 Oh, I'm going outside to get a picture of that bat.
哦 不 你不会想那么做的 Oh, no. You don't wanna do that.
为什么呢？ Why not?
事情是这样的 住在隔壁的那个家真是疯了 Here's that thing, the family that lives next door is nuts.
-太疯狂了 -每年 - Bonkers. - Every year,
那个悲伤的家庭都会上演一些疯狂的圣诞表演 that sad family puts on some insane Christmas display
简直太过分了 that is totally over the top.
哦 犯罪了 是啊 过头了 Oh, criminally. Like, over the top.
但问题是 市政府实际上通过了一项法律 And the kicker is,the city actually passed a law
想阻止他们制造更多令人不安 to try and stop them from making more disturbing
和危险的照明显示器 and dangerous lighting displays.
-哦 我的天 他们做到了 没错 -于是他们造了一个巨大的洞 - Oh, my god, they did! Yeah! - So, they built a huge cave,
他们把显示器放在里面 and they put the display inside of that.
-在山洞里 -没有圣诞蝙蝠 - Inside the cave! - And what's a Christmas cave
那还算什么圣诞洞呢？我说的对吧？ without Christmas bats? Am I right?
那就是你看到的 That's what you saw.
你看到的就是那个 Mm-hmm. That's what you saw.
-哇 -嗯 - Wow. - Mm-hmm.
这难道不疯狂吗？ Isn't that so, "Huh?" It's crazy.
这好像有点极端了 That seems rather extreme.
极端都描述不了 Extreme doesn't begin to describe it.
他们还让孩子打扮成装饰品 They also make their children dress up as ornaments.
装饰品 Ornaments!
这是虐待儿童 And that's just child abuse.
嗯 Mm-hmm.
呃 这些人有这么可怕吗？ Uh, if these people are so horrible.
-我没开玩笑 相信我 他们真是这样 -嗯 是的 - No joke, trust me, they are. - Huh, yeah.
那你们为什么不搬走呢？ Why don't you guys just move?
哦 Oh.
呃 Uh...
-我们为他们感到难过 -我们为他们感到难过 - We feel sorry for them. - We feel sorry for them.
-为他们感到难过 -对吗 妈妈 爸爸？ - Sorry for them. - Right, Mom and Dad?
嗯 Mm-hmm.
我们每晚都为他们祈祷 We pray for them nightly.
为他们的救赎干杯 And drink to their salvation.
阿门 Amen.
嗯 Um...
请原谅我失陪一会儿 Please excuse me for a moment.
你爸爸还好吗？ Is, is your dad okay?
呃 他没事的 Uh, he'll be fine.
只是 呃 对他来说 Just, uh, tough for him to talk about anything
很难谈任何与圣诞节有关的事 你知道吗? Christmas related is all,you know?
-我明白 -好吧 - I understand. - Yeah,
这对我们两个来说都很艰难 it was a tough time for both of us.
我真希望他能有自己的生活 I wish he could move on for his own sake.
好了 大家冷静下来 冷静下来 All right, everyone. Calm down, calm down.
大门马上就要开了 The gates are gonna be opening soon!
我们已经等了好几个小时了 We've been waiting for hours.
斯蒂芬妮 你能帮我去厨房里 Stephanie, will you help me in the kitchen
帮我一下吗? with something with which I need help with?
哦 没问题 尼基 Oh, certainly, Nicky.
让我给你讲讲有一次我背着夏尔巴人 Let me tell you about the time I carried a Sherpa on my back
在3万英尺高空飞行 at 30,000 feet.
-好的 -你点头了 - Okay. - You're, you're nodding.
我 不 我是 因为我 我很擅长点头 I... No, I am, I am. 'Cause I'm... I'm good at it.
而且有人付钱给我点头 I got... I got paid to do it.
《法与秩》 Law & Order.
乔治·贝利呼叫克拉伦斯 有什么情况吗？ George Bailey to Clarence, what's the hold up?
那个跳舞的圣诞老人一定有什么不对劲的地方 Something must be wrong with the dancing Santa.
我告诉过你 尼基不可靠 I told you Nicky can't be trusted.
-我得回去 -好的 - I gotta go back! - Okay.
-来吧 -快点 快点 - Come on! - Come on, come on.
真的需要两个人 It really does take two people
才能穿上这件衣服 to put this costume on.
无论谁设计了这个东西 You'd think whoever designed this thing would have realized
可能都没意识到买它的人可能没有朋友 anybody who bought it would have no friends.
-是的 拉下去 -来吧 好的 - Yeah. Pull down. - Come on. Okay.
-1 2 3 -好的 - One, two, three. - Okay.
-好了 穿好了 -好了吗？ - Good to go. Got it. - Good?
快去吧 Go, team.
对不起 各位 Sorry, folks.
哦 我的... 不 Oh, my... No.
不是撒旦 是圣诞老人 Not Satan. Santa!
那个人吓着我了 你呢？ That one scared me, and you?
请原谅 Excuse us.
抱歉 马上就好 Sorry. One sec.
尼基 Nicky!
到底怎么了？ What is going on?
队伍都要排到天上去了 We're backed up all the way to the elves!
只是 呃 只是腿抽筋了 Just, uh, working out a leg cramp.
哦 Oh.
好的 Okay.
嘿 各位 Hey, everyone.
对不起 耽误了 Sorry about the delay.
但是 我现在向你们呈现 But, I now present,
跳舞的圣诞老人 the dancing Santa!
爸爸 这是最棒的圣诞节 This is the best Christmas ever, Dad!
哦 亲爱的 Oh, honey.
哈 哦 我的天 Ha! Oh, my god.
现在我们来到了主活动 And we have now come to the main event!
啊 耶 Ah, yeah!
我知道你们在想什么 I know what you're thinking.
这不可能 但这是真的 It can't be. But it is.
我向你们呈上 I give you,the Santa hat
史上最伟大的圣诞电影中的圣诞帽 from the single greatest Christmas movie ever made!
《虎胆龙威》里的吗？ Die Hard?
-不是 -《精灵》？ - No. - Elf?
-不是 -《圣诞节怪人》？ - No. - Christmas with the Cranks?
什么？不是 What? No.
-《极地特快》 -嗯 不是 - Polar Express. - Uh, no.
《一个圣诞节的故事》 A Christmas Story.
哦 错了 Ooh! Wrong!
-《坏圣诞老人》 -什么？不是 - Bad Santa. - What? No!
-《吝啬鬼》？ -哦 错得离谱 - Scrooge? - Oh, it's not even close.
《圣诞假期》？ Christmas Vacation?
不是 No.
-《小精灵》？ -不是 - Gremlins! - Seriously? No!
《欧内斯特拯救圣诞节》 Ernest Saves Christmas.
不是 No!
我差不多要请你离开这个旅游团了 I'm almost ready to ask you to leave the tour.
圣诞老人VS火星人 Santa Claus Versus The Martians.
没人看那个 Nobody saw that!
我看了 I saw it.
《34街的奇迹》 Miracle on 34th Street!
-啊哈？ -伟大的电影啊 - Aha? - Great movie!
首先在... First released in...
哦 搞什么啊？ Oh, seriously?
啊 啊 该死的小孩们 Ugh. Oh. Ah! Dang kids!
谁把口香糖粘在我的圣诞帽框架上 Who'd put chewing gum on my Christmas hat display.
爸爸 我需要休息 Dad, I need to go rest.
我很冷 我很累 I'm cold and I'm tired.
哦 亲爱的 你应该休息一下 Oh, you deserve a rest, honey.
你做得很好 诺埃尔很喜欢 不是吗？ You did a great job. Noelle loved it, didn't you?
我得去把口香糖从我的显示器上拿下来 I gotta go get this gum off my display.
实际上 Actually.
这会儿你为什么不戴上帽子呢? Why don't you wear the hat,in the meantime.
嗯？ Hmm?
嗯 Hm.
哦 Oh!
你看看 Will you look at that.
对我来说全世界最珍贵的两件事 The two most precious things to me, in the entire world.
就是那顶圣诞帽和我漂亮的女儿 That Santa hat and my beautiful daughter.
-爸爸 -别打断我 诺埃尔 - Daddy... - Not now, Noelle.
说到哪了？ Okay, where was I?
哦 是的 两件最珍贵的东西 Oh, yes. Two most precious things.
嗯 Hm.
好的 继续我们的参观 大伙们 Okay. Continuing on with our tour now, everybody.
我们要去 We're coming up to our
洞里"动手堆雪人"的环节了 build-your-own-snowman portion of the cave.
这是我在工作室里做的 And here's something I made in my workshop.
它是一只戴鹿角的蝙蝠 It's a bat with antlers.
一只驯鹿蝙蝠 A reindeer bat.
别让我掉下去 Don't let me fall.
别让我掉下去 别让我 Don't let me fall. Don't let me...
我知道 I know!
你让我掉下去了 You let me fall.
我真是 I hate Christmas
-恨死圣诞节了 -这帽子 - so much. - Is this the hat...
那顶愚蠢帽子 That hat from the stupid, old movie
就是我爸爸花了我的大学学费买的 my dad spent my college education money on?
是的 就是这个 Yeah, it is.
好吧 还好你及时回来了 Well, you got back just in time.
因为我觉得坦纳和他的父亲 Because I think Tanner and his dad are starting
已经开始怀疑了 to get suspicious.
我知道 I know.
他们还没发现真是个奇迹 It's a miracle they haven't figured it out yet.
如果我雇佣演员来扮演我的父母 If I ever hire actors to play my parents,
我绝不会找那两个 it will not be those two.
但是 如果我有一个像你男朋友一样棒的对象 But, if I had a boyfriend as awesome as yours,
我也会雇一个假的家庭 I too would hire a fake family
和他们一起吃圣诞晚餐 to have Christmas dinner with them.
当然 你可以参观一下厨房 Sure, you can see the kitchen.
-哦 -快走 走 走 走 - Oh! - Go ahead, go, go, go.
好的 Okay.
-走 走 -好的 好的 - Go, go. - Okay, okay, okay.
这里还好吧? Everything all right in here?
-是的 我开始担心了 -是的 - Yeah, I was starting to worry. - Yeah.
没事 我们只是 Yeah, everything's fine. We were just...
只是在洗碗 Just doing the dishes.
洗碗 Doing the dishes.
好了 都洗完了 Okay, all done.
来吧 我们走吧？ Come on, shall we?
来吧 走吧 Come on, let's go.
马铃薯饼 Latke.
差点就露馅了 That was close.
克拉伦斯呼叫乔治·贝利 Clarence to George Bailey.
生活并没有想象中那么美好 It's not such a wonderful life, after all.
哦 我的天 Oh, boy.
这就是做鸡餐巾的方法 And that's how you make a chicken napkin.
鸡肉餐巾 Chicken napkin!
这是我见过最蠢的事 Stupidest thing I've ever seen.
哦 我突然想到 我还没有模仿过 Oh! I just realized. I haven't done my impression
亚伯拉罕·林肯 of Abraham Lincoln.
没人听过 No one knows
他的声音 亲爱的 what he sounds like, honey.
因此 不受批评 And is therefore,immune to criticism.
八十七年前 "Four score and seven years ago."
抱歉 林肯是南方人 Um, sorry. Lincoln's from the south.
不受批评 Immune to criticism!
就像咱们加州人说的 马铃薯饼时间到 Well, as they say in Cali,it's time for Latkes!
尼基？ Nicky?
这是怎么回事？ What's going on?
富兰克林夫人？你怎么回来了？ Mrs. Franklin? What are you doing back?
旅馆里有臭虫 Bed bugs at the hotel.
这些人是谁？为什么他们在我的房子里？ Who are these people? Why are they in my house?
你的房子？ Your house?
她在这里 She's in here.
看 爸爸 这场面太糟糕了 See, Dad. This is ugly.
这种情况的唯一好处是 The only upside of this situation is that
我能得到更大的房间 I'm going to be getting the bigger room.
因为尼基要离开很长很长一段时间了 Since, Nicky's going away for a long, long time.
-回家吧 鲁迪 -但是 - Go home, Rudy. - But...
我想... I wanna...
这是怎么回事？ What's going on?
是的 尼基 到底怎么了？ Yeah, Nicky. What exactly is going on?
你们住在这吗？ You guys live here?
不 只是我 No! Just me.
尼基的爸爸住在隔壁 Nicky's dad lives next door.
尼基的爸爸？ Nicky's dad?
什么？ Yes?
那你是谁？ Then who are you?
我是克里斯 我是尼基的爸爸 I'm Chris, I'm Nicky's dad.
我是克里斯 I'm Chris.
我才是尼基的爸爸 I'm Nicky's dad.
不 No!
我才是尼基的爸爸 I'm Nicky's dad!
该死的 替补来了 Damn, understudy.
替补？ 不 不 不行啊 Understudy? No, no, no. Not again!
我以为你现在已经习惯了 Aw, I thought you'd be used to it by now.
不 这不可能 我才不会被换下 No, this can't be happening. I will not be replaced!
我从通风口一直在听 I've been listening through the vents.
我相信你的演技 是远远不够的 And I believe your acting,is missing the mark.
哦 是吗？ Oh, yeah?
远远不够 哈！ Missing the mark, huh!
是啊 Yeah.
替补 Understudies!
住手 快住手 Stop! Stop, right now!
卡 Cut!
请注意 Please note.
我所有的特技都是我自己亲身表演的 That I did all my own stunts.
今天你们戏份都杀青了 You're all done here.
完美落幕 And scene!
-拜托 -我感觉很好 - Please. - I feel good. You know.
通常我对我自己的表演都很严格 Normally,I am my harshest critic.
但我觉得今晚是我最好的作品 But I feel like tonight was some of my best work.
现在 请允许我就你的演技 And now, if you'll allow me to give you a few pointers
提出一点建议 on your "performance."
-好的 -我先从 - Okay... - I would start with the...
-你会在... -不 - You're gonna be singing - No!
-莱克监狱唱歌的 -不 - in Rikers! - No!
-不 -是的 - No! - Yes!
我们能边喝边谈吗? Can we talk about this over a drink?
我的欧芹在哪？ Where is my Parsley?
哦 他在这里 Oh, he's in here.
我 I...
尼基 这怎么回事？ Nicky, what's going on?
拜托 我 Please, I...
坦纳 我发誓我能解释 Tanner, I swear I can explain.
好吧 我们都想听听 Yes. We'd all like to hear that.
这是真的吗？ Is it true?
嗯 鲁迪说的是真的吗？ Huh, what Rudy says?
你为我们感到羞耻 That you're so ashamed of us,you hired actors
你雇演员是为了让你的男朋友和他的爸爸 so that your boyfriend and his father
不见你真正的家人吗？ wouldn't have to meet your real family?
圣诞节带给坦纳和他爸爸的只有心痛 Christmas has caused Tanner and his Dad
我不能让他们忍受 nothing but heartache. And I couldn't let them suffer
你这个疯狂版 through your insane version
-的节日 -哦 尼基 - of this holiday! - Oh, Nicky.
你有大麻烦了 You are in big trouble.
又是这些事 All this fighting.
我讨厌圣诞节 I hate Christmas.
哦 讨厌？ Oh. Hate?
哦 哦 就是这个男孩让你和我作对的吗? Oh! Oh, is this the boy who turned you against me?
我什么也没要求她做 I didn't ask her to do anything.
对了 她就像你一样 Oh, right,she just magically transformed
神奇地变成了一个讨厌圣诞节的骗子 into a liar who happens to hate Christmas, just like you.
够了 That's enough!
我们不需要站在这里听这些 We don't have to stand here and listen to this.
我们走了 走 We're leaving. Vamos.
爸爸 Dad.
快点 Now.
为什么圣诞节 Why does Christmas
总是要毁掉一切美好的事物? always have to ruin everything good.
坦纳 坦纳 Tanner, Tanner!
不 不 亲爱的 让他走吧 No, no, no, sweetheart. Just let him go.
我真的非常喜欢他 I really, really like him.
他们连圣诞节都不喜欢 They're not even Christmas people!
你说得对 You're right.
他们是正常的 They're normal.
我从来没有过一个正常的圣诞节 I've never had a normal Christmas!
你知道在平安夜 Do you have any idea how good it felt
和我的假爸爸和我的假家人坐在一起 to sit down with my fake dad and my fake family
的感觉有多好吗？ on Christmas Eve?
一种平静的感觉涌上我的心头 A feeling of peace came over me,
我一生中从未体会过这种平和 like, I have never known in my entire life.
好吧 你根本不知道你在说什么 Okay. You don't even know what you're saying right now.
那只猫真该叫尿猫 That cat really should have been called Pissy.
我的神奇帽子 It's my magic hat!
呃 Ugh.
毁了 Ruined.
坦纳 Tanner!
坦纳 等等 Tanner, wait.
坦纳 等等 Tanner, wait!
请等一下 Wait, please.
去死吧 你这愚蠢的圣诞树 Die, you stupid Christmas tree!
尼基疯了 Nicky's gone crazy!
这是有史以来最好的圣诞节 This is the best Christmas ever.
妈妈 等你们把她送进精神病院 Mom, can I have her room
她的房间能给我吗？ once you put her in the insane hospital?
哦 Oh.
妈妈 为什么尼基要杀了圣诞节？ Mommy, why is Nicky killing Christmas?
她这个岁数就爱干这种事儿 Honey, it's just something teenage girls do.
尼基 马上给我住手 Nicky, you stop this behavior,right now!
不 爸爸 我就要这么干 No, Dad. I need to do this.
因为圣诞节毁了一切 'Cause Christmas ruins everything.
我讨厌这个愚蠢的装饰 I hate this stupid decoration.
还有愚蠢的圣诞老人 And stupid Santa Claus.
还有那些愚蠢的歌曲 And all the stupid songs.
还有每一年该死的树 And the stupid trees every damned year!
爸爸 你为什么要这样对我们？ Why do you do this to us, Dad?
你为什么硬要每个人都过圣诞节? Why do you shove Christmas down everyone's throats?
你为什么不能做一个普通的爸爸？ Why can't you be a normal dad?
如果你是一个正常的父亲 If you were a normal dad,
那我就没必要对坦纳撒谎 I never would have had to lie to Tanner,
也不用经历这些 and gone through all this.
那坦纳永远不会发现这件事 And Tanner never would have found out about it
也不会生我气 and gotten mad at me. But, because of you,
但是因为你 坦纳再也不会跟我说话了 Tanner will never talk me again.
你为什么这么圣诞怪人？ Why are you such a Christmas freak?
因为这就是你 爸爸 Because that's what you are, Dad.
一个怪胎 A freak.
哦 天哪 Oh, my god.
哦 啊 Oh. Ah.
对不起 我撒谎了 我就是个白痴
让我道歉 我爱你
亲爱的？ Honey?
下楼去拆礼物吧？ Why don't you come downstairs and open presents?
真的吗？ Seriously?
不管你和你父亲之间发生了什么 Despite what's going on between you and your dad,
我们都是一家人 we're a family.
今天是平安夜 And it's Christmas Eve,
在平安夜我们就会拆礼物 and that's when we open presents.
好吗？ Okay?
好了 走吧 All right. Come on.
为什么大家都那么悲伤？ Why is everyone so sad?
哦 不 Oh, no.
哦 妈妈？妈妈 怎么了？ Oh. Mom? Mom, what's wrong?
我的胸口 My chest.
-弗朗·西娜·温特斯？ -是的 是我 - Fran Sienna Winters? - Yes, yes.
我有个好消息要告诉你 I have the good news to tell you,
她没有心脏病发作 she did not have a heart attack.
哦 Oh!
那她怎么了呢？ What was it then?
根据我们的检测 Well, according to the test we made,
你的母亲健康得像个 your mother is as healthy as a...
你知道 不是马 不是驴 是 You know, you're not a horse,you're not a donkey, it's...
-一头骡子？ -是的 - You're a mule? - Yes.
你妈妈是头骡子 Your mother is mule.
-嗯 -哦 - Mm-hmm. - Oh.
所以妈妈没事？太好了 So mom's gonna be okay? That's wonderful.
那么 她到底怎么了？ So, what exactly did happen to her?
我们有时会在假期看到这种例子 We see this sometimes during the holidays,
原因是压力 cause is stress.
现在家里有什么压力吗？ Is there something stressful happening in the family now?
有什么让她心烦的事？ Something that would upset her?
不管怎样 她说她想和一个叫尼基的人聊聊 Any what, she said she wants to speak to someone named Nicky.
奶奶？ Grandma?
只有你自己吗？ Are you alone?
-是的 -哦 - Yup. - Oh.
很好 Good.
我不知道我还能装多久 I didn't know how much longer I could fake it.
奶奶 你在装病？ Grandma, you were pretending?
我无法呼吸 I can't breathe.
哦 帮帮我 Oh, help me.
帮帮我 Help me.
我应该当演员的 是吧？ I should've been an actress, huh?
嗯 Hmm.
去你的 菲·唐纳薇 Screw you, Faye Dunaway.
谁是菲·唐纳薇？ Who's Faye Dunaway?
我说吧 都没人认识 Exactly.
你为什么要假装心脏病发作？ Why would you pretend to have a heart attack?
你和你爸爸之间的紧张关系 The tension between you and your dad
比脖子上沾的黏蜜还更严重 was sticker than molasses on neck hair.
我们都为你担心 We were all worried about you.
哦 让我也找点乐子吧 Oh, let me have some fun.
另外 Plus,
我想给你一些时间 I wanted to give you some time
让你和你爸爸和好 to make things right between you and your dad.
好吧 我向他道歉 Fine,I'll just apologize to him.
真心的吗？ Will you mean it?
不 No.
噢 Ow!
-哦 -你 - Ow! - You...
-大白痴 -你是个强壮的老妇人 - idiot. - You're strong for an old woman.
如果你装出来 他会知道的 He's gonna know if you fake it.
克拉克·盖博就看得出来我跟他上床的时候是装的 Clark Gable knew when I made love to him.
不过我告诉你 他其实根本不在乎 And let me tell you,he did give a damn.
奶奶 拜托了 Grandma, please.
哦 亲爱的 Oh, sweetie.
如果你不让你和你爸爸之间的关系变得好起来 If you don't make things right between you and your dad,
以后就再也恢复不到以前的样子了 things will never be the same again.
她没事吧？她说话了吗？ She's okay? She's talking?
你知道 奶奶可有她要说的话了 You know Grandma,she says what she says.
她觉得很好 She's feeling good though.
你们现在都可以进去了 You can all go in now.
好了 走吧 孩子们 我们去看奶奶吧 Okay. Come on kids,let's go see Grandma.
等等 尼基 亲爱的 Wait. Nicky, honey,
先坐下来 我想给你看个东西 just, um, sit down for a second,I wanna show you something.
好的 Okay.
哦 天哪 Oh, my god.
这照片不太好看 不是吗？ Yeah, not a pretty picture,is it?
他的脸怎么了 可怜的孩子 What happened to his face,the poor kid.
那是你父亲 That's your father.
当他五岁的时候 When he was five years old.
附近的一些恶霸把他扔进一片毒葛里 Some neighborhood bullies threw him in a patch
并且用那些东西蹭他的脸 of poison ivy and rubbed his face in it.
你可以看到肿得很厉害 As you can see it swelled up pretty bad.
这太可怕了 That's awful.
那是在圣诞节前的几个星期 It was a few weeks before Christmas
尽管他看起来那个样子 and even though he looked like that
他还是很想去看圣诞老人 he still really wanted to see Santa.
当你的祖父母带他去购物中心时 When your grandparents took him to the mall
所有排队的孩子都指着他的脸 all the kids in line were pointing at his face
取笑他 and making fun of him,
他哭了起来 and he started crying.
当他们转身要走的时候 And then as they turned to go,
那个购物中心的圣诞老人把他抱起来 让他坐在他的腿上 that mall Santa picked him up,sat him down on his lap,
然后你爸爸 and your dad...
停止了哭泣 stopped crying,
把他想要的圣诞礼物 and told that wonderful Santa
都告诉了那个圣诞老人 everything he wanted for Christmas.
你看 See, that Santa
那位圣诞老人让一个孩子相信圣诞节 took a kid who believed in Christmas
让他再次觉得自己只是个单纯的小男孩 and made him feel like a little boy again,
而不是怪物 instead of a freak.
妈妈 我 Mom, I...
我不知道 I had no idea.
他只是想让你们感受到 He just wants you guys to feel
你们是被爱着的 你们是独特的 loved and magical,
就像他五岁时那样 like he did that day when he was five.
现在你知道了 So now you know.
他们只是想看看她 她会没事的 They just wanna observe her,she's gonna be fine.
一起吧 诺埃尔 我不想自己唱歌 Come on, Noelle,I don't wanna sing by myself.
-你好 孩子们 -哦 - Hello, boys and girls! - Ooh!
哦 还有奶奶 Oh, and Grandma.
我是一个犹太精灵 我是一个犹太精灵 I'm a Jelf, a Jewish elf.
我带来了圣诞节 And I brought Christmas with me.
圣诞节 Christmas!
-哦 铃儿响叮当 -什么？ - ♪ Oh, jingle bells ♪ - What?
-铃儿响叮当 -这是真的吗？ - ♪ Jingle bells ♪ - Are you serious?
-铃儿响叮当 -这是 这是 - ♪ Jingle all the way ♪ - This is...
-哦 我能一起吗？ -哦 多有趣啊 - Oh, can I get in? - ♪ Oh, what fun ♪
等等 什么东西不见了？ Wait, what's missing?
我知道 I know!
哦 呵 呵 呵 呵 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
圣诞老人 Santa!
还有其他的 And har-dee-dar-har.
这是什么？孩子们竟然没有礼物 What's this? I see kids with no presents.
哦 这可不行 Ho, ho, this cannot be.
呵 呵 呵 Ho, ho, ho.
哦 呵 呵 呵 Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!
还有一件事 And one more thing.
呵 呵 呵 Ho, ho, ho!
哦 呵 呵 呵 Ho, ho, ho, ho!
你做到了 You did it.
大家都很开心 Everyone's so happy.
你拯救了圣诞节 You saved Christmas.
谢谢你做的一切 Thanks for doing all this.
我永远支持你 姑娘 I'm here for you, girl.
就在你身边 像胶水一样粘在你身上 Right by your side. Sticking to you like glue.
哇 Wow!
可爱的小精灵 Cute elf.
嗯 Um...
我的小弟把扁桃腺切了 My little brother's getting his tonsils out.
你愿意和我一起在候诊室里待一会吗？ You wanna hang with me in the waiting room?
回见 Laters.
这才是圣诞奇迹啊 Now that's a Christmas miracle I can get behind.
在220房间有一个聚会 There's a party in Room 220.
祝大家圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas,everybody!
尼基 Nicky!
是你安排好的吗？ Did you arrange that?
谢谢 Thank you.
我希望大家都能过一个美好的圣诞节 I wanted everyone to have a great Christmas.
是啊 Yeah.
呃 唱圣诞颂歌的人都很好 Uh, the... the carolers were a nice touch.
尼基 Nicky...
好吧 亲爱的 Okay, look, honey.
一个父亲会经常忘记 A father often forgets
他的小女孩最终是会长大的 that his little girl will eventually grow up,
成为独立的大姑娘 and become their own person.
我的意思是 看看你 你 你已经 I mean, look at you. You... you have.
我很抱歉 And... and I'm sorry,
我以前没有意识到这一点 但我现在知道了 I didn't recognize that before but I... I do now.
如果你想和我们一起 我会很乐意 And I would love it if you would join us.
有一个条件 On one condition.
那就是这必须是你真正想做的事 It's something you actually want to do.
哦 Oh.
对不起 我雇了一个演员假扮你 Sorry I hired an actor to pretend to be you.
对不起 我对你的男朋友大喊大叫 I'm sorry I yelled at your boyfriend.
对不起 我说你是个怪胎 I'm sorry I called you a freak.
嗯 我是有点 Well, I kinda am.
但我能理解 But I get it.
很抱歉 以前圣诞节都让你难受了 And I'm sorry I smothered you with Christmas.
谢谢你 爸爸 我很感激你这么说 Thanks, Dad. I...I appreciate you saying that.
嗯哼 但是 总有一天 Mm-hmm. But, someday
你会有自己的孩子 when you have kids of your own,
-你会 -永远不会 - you will... - Never,
对他们做这样的事 do anything like that to them.
永远 Ever.
好吧 Okay.
但他们一定会喜欢 But they're sure gonna love going over
去外公家过圣诞 to Grandpa's house for Christmas.
-嘿 走吧 -嗯 - Hey, come on. - Mm-hmm.
对不起
给我回信吧
好了 各位 Okay, everyone.
-哦 -是圣诞节啊 - Oh. - It's Christmas.
这意味着帽子的时间到了 Which means it's hat time!
-哦 -哈？ - Ooh! - Huh?
这好像是新的 It looks like new.
小心点 爸爸 如果尼基发生了什么不幸的话 Be careful with that, Dad. It's my inheritance, you know,
这会传到我手上的 if something tragic happens to Nicky.
啊 谁想第一个？ Ahem. Who wants to go first?
-我 -哦 来吧 公主 - Me! - Oh, come on up here, princess.
好了 There we go.
还有 And...
我很感激我奶奶没事 I'm grateful that my grandma's okay.
现在也出院了 And out the hospital cause she's my grandma,
我爱她 她是唯一一个 and I love her,and she's the only one
知道我会唱好 who knows that I'll sing
铃儿响叮当 这首歌的人 the "Jingle Bells Poo-poo" song right.
谢谢 Thank you.
好的 Yes.
好的 All right.
嗯 我很感激妈妈没事 Um, I am grateful that Mom is okay.
隔壁的帕蒂不会因为尼基借了她的房子 And that Patty from next door is not going to sue us
而起诉我们 for Nicky borrowing her house.
就是就是 Here, here.
尼基？ Nicky?
哦 嗯 Oh, Um...
我先 Me first.
-等等 -好吧 - Hon. - Okay.
嗯 Um...
我很感激 I'm grateful
我有一个家庭能理解 that I have a family who understands
我对圣诞节的热情 my passion for Christmas.
如果你相信的话 圣诞节是可以创造奇迹的 Christmas can do magic, if you believe.
我相信 爸爸 I believe, Daddy.
哦 Aw.
亲爱的？对 Sweetie? Yes.
啊 Ah.
-哈？ -你为什么要给我这个？ - Huh? - Why are you giving me that?
我们只是想让你演奏点 We just wanted you to play
圣诞音乐给我们听 a little Christmas music for us, sweetie.
妈 我现在都不敢看那东西 Mom, I can't even look at that thing right now.
你吹得很好啊 You're so good at it.
吹大号会让我想起坦纳 Playing the tuba reminds me of Tanner,
还有我是怎么伤他心 永远失去了他 and how I messed up and lost him forever.
嗯 Hmm.
尼基 下一个你来吧？ Nicky, actually why don't you go next?
好的 Okay.
好了 There you go.
呃 记住 And, uh, remember...
它可以创造奇迹 It can do magic.
对 Right.
怎么了？ What?
坦纳 Tanner!
这帽子真神奇 That hat's magic.
我四百条短信哪一个打动了你呢？ So which one of my 400 texts convinced you?
事实上 今天早上来了一个很好的人 Actually, a very nice man came over this morning,
他告诉我这些年来他在圣诞节 told me about all the crazy things he's done
对家人做了很多疯狂的事 to his family at Christmas over the years.
他提到了你被驯鹿袭击的那一次 Once he got to that part about you being attacked - by a reindeer...
嗯 Mm-hmm.
我开始理解你为什么会那么做了 ...started to understand why you did what you did.
谢谢 爸爸 Thanks, Dad.
-我想谢谢你 -哦 - I wanna thank you. - Oh!
我需要这样过圣诞节 I needed to see Christmas like this.
啊 Ah!
这基本就是我的职业了 It's what I do.
有人在洞里吗? Is someone in the cave?
怎么了？ Sup?
也许圣诞节也并不是那么糟糕 Maybe Christmas isn't so bad after all.
-帮我一把？ -没问题 - Give me a hand? - Sure.
斯蒂芬？ Steph?
爸爸？ Dad?
好的 Okay.
-好的 -三声 - Okay. - On three.
一 二 三 One, two, three.
-来吧 爸爸 -这样好多了 - Come on, Dad. - That's better.